Young parents have precious little free time. So here are 5 quick tips:
• Spend an uninterrupted 20 minutes each day face to face or side by side talking (and cuddling) and most important listening to anything the other wants to say. Yes, when you are desperate you can break it into 2 ten-minute chunks.
• Be curious, not furious, about differences. Pretend your partner is an attractive stranger you just met. Don’t try to persuade your partner to see differences logically, rationally, reasonably or your way. For 10 minutes, just listen.
• Strive for 5 to 1 positive to negative comments, gestures, faces, notes, gifts and time together. Even when you disagree, state the points where you agree before and after the point of disagreement.
• When you ask for help, do it ahead of time and say, “I would really appreciate if you would….” Hard to remember yet it’s magic for getting things done. Try it.
• Plan a quiet time at least once a week when you could share physical intimacy (darn those spam filters) undisturbed. Even if you sleep though it, you both know that you tried.
And Ten Bonus Tips:
• Take turns talking about what your fantasies for life with kids would be like. What is better than you expected, what is disappointing and what is just very different?
• Ask you partner when they feel the most cared for and loved in the relationship. Try to do a bit more of what ever that is.
• Share when you feel the most love and pride in your child. When do you each enjoy your child the most? What is the hardest for each of you?
• Share what you each want for your kids. Write it down and save it. It is fun to revisit these lists and see how they change in light of who your child becomes.
• Choose a parenting book to read together. If your partner doesn’t like to read find a good one on CD so you can listen in the car. I like Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk so Kids will listen and listen so Kids will Talk.
• Talk about the kind of parent you want to be. Parenting issues aren’t romantic but when you feel like you are on the same team they are much more fun.
• Take a parenting class together. Neil, my husband, says you will love it and be the only guy there so ever.
• Ask each other what a good marriage means to each of you how to make your dreams a reality.
• Be curious regularly about your partner’s personal goals. Pplan how you can work together so you can each fulfill your personal dreams. Revisit these often. Talking about them aloud seems to make them happen sooner.
• Celebrate what you have. Start and end with compliments to your partner and good news about your kids and your day in every mini planning or sharing session.
Carol Ummel Lindquist,Ph.D. http://www.cullagunabeach.com, happily married mother of two, has been a marriage therapist for more than 25 years, conducting workshops and tele-seminars for couples in addition to her busy practice. She is a board certified clinical psychologist and a Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University Fullerton, where she trained marital therapists. She published a book
Happily Married with Kids that has a companion downloadable CD available at http://www.happilymarriedwithkids.com.