Let’s face it ... not many people like conflicts; they’re unpleasant. But it’s also unlikely that when you’re in a relationship with someone for a long time, that the two of you aren’t going to run into some snags along the way. After all, even if you’re from the same ethnic and religious background and have even come from the same neighborhood, you’ve been raised by two different families. The result is that you’re going to be different.
Some of these variations don’t show up immediately. After all, early in the relationship, you each have your “love goggles” on. As you move in to a more committed, and relaxed partnership, the differences between the two of you start to emerge. They can vary from simple concerns like how late each of you thinks is right to sleep in on the weekend to far more serious issues like how you’re going to raise your kids when it comes down to the day-to-day disciplining. So, what’s the bottom line? If you do have conflicts, it means your normal!
What’s really at the heart of the matter is how you manage your conflicts. A leading researcher has found that within 15 minutes of watching how a couple handles a conflict, he can predict with 85% accuracy whether they will divorce or not. Yes - clearly managing your conflicts is very important. The key to what separates couples who will divorce or not is whether they can handle their conflicts respectfully.
Interestingly, you go to school for an extended period of time and learn all sorts of things. Most of you learn how to drive a car. You train for whatever job or career you do. Yet, learning the tools to have a successful relationship is not taught. Furthermore, within that area, the way to manage conflicts is not taught either.
There are so many couples I work with that love each other and get along fine ... until they find themselves in a disagreement. And then, they are totally clueless as to how to handle it so that one of them doesn’t feel attacked or unheard or disconnected. Can you relate to this?
The good news is that there are tools on how to manage conflicts and they can be learned. Here are some quick tips to get you started:
1. Don’t wait to inform your mate. When you hold things in, though you may think you’re doing your partner a favor, the stress of what’s bothering you builds up. Then, when it finally comes out, it’s an explosion and you end up attacking your mate. The only result is that your partner will become defensive.
2. The “sticks and stones” rule is wrong. Name calling of all sorts is off-limits. Most people know the common words that we think of as name-calling. However, keep in mind that this includes not only the obvious “bad” words, but also any word or phrase that is disrespectful. So asking your partner, “What’s wrong with you?” is not going to help your partnership. If you give it some thought, this question is both a put-down and disrespectful.
3. Stay present. Bringing up every thing that ever bothered you is overwhelming to your partner and will derail your arguments. Discuss specifically what has upset you. Generally, you’ve been taught that to speak about yourself is egocentric. In this case, break that rule. Instead, remember to discuss what’s bothering you from your point of view. This helps your partner not feel attacked.
There are lots more tools that can help you to manage your conflicts. Realistically, sometimes issues are just going to get out of hand. Fortunately, there are also ways you can learn how to repair from conflicts when they occur.
When couples learn these techniques, they are more connected to one another. By learning how to express themselves in loving, caring ways, a couple can create a relationship that gives each of them a way to have their differences heard, feel understood, and create a sense of acceptance. Intimacy and trust are established.
So is fighting good? Yes -- if it’s done right. It allows the differences to be expressed, the stress reduced, and the partners to feel closer.
Finally, a psychologist who goes that extra mile and cares about the people with whom she works. Whether Dr. Karen Sherman (www.DrKarenSherman.com ) is hosting her radio show (Your Empowered Relationship on SexTalkRadioNetwork.com), giving a speech, offering a teleseminar, or doing a workshop - she’s helping people connect to their potential and becoming aware of their choices. Let Dr. Karen help you learn to become empowered both personally and in your relationships by signing up for her free newsletter at http://www.drkarensherman.com or for her FREE 21-day program. Also - make sure to check out her amazing program to manage conflicts, repair them, and regulate emotions at www.FromFighttoForeplay.com.
You can find more of her tools in her award winning book, “Mindfulness and The Art of Choice: Transform Your Life” or the one she previously co-authored, “Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last.” She’s also a contributor to "The Complete Marriage Counselor," "Self-Improvement 101 (Vol. 2)," "Power of Persistence," "Recovering the Self, (Vol. 2, #3), and "I am Bound and Determined," as well as a featured writer on YourTango.com and Hitchedmag.com.