Who was it who said: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?" If only men understood just how devastating it is for a wife when a husband fails to be the noble man she had dreamed and hoped for.
With the Tiger Woods scandal making headlines recently, what does a tough-minded marriage coach have to say? Obviously we do not know all the facts, so there is no use speculating. But because of the knowledge and skill I have acquired over the years, I can use the interest in marital relations the story has aroused to make some important points.
The first thing we can learn is this: a man must never fail. He must be principled and honorable. That is a father's role and husband's duty. When he fails, the whole family suffers. I've been saying this for 20 years, and nothing has changed.
Secondly. I want to say that no one can make a man into a man. He must find it within himself.
It is the Father Spirit that our wives and children need. I will never forget something I once read. It was about the life of a sea captain who lived in the 1800's. It told how despite the fact that he was at sea for months at a time, his wife and his daughter respected and loved him dearly. They were happy and secure though thousands of miles away. He was a man of the highest honor and impeccable virtue. He was a noble, principled man doing his duty. He had the father spirit. It is an inner bond.
If a man fails big time, his only hope is to realize his wrong, be sorry, apologize and then never fail again. Maybe his wife will forgive him and maybe she won't. He must live the rest of his life honorably and with dignity. She may never forgive him. Even if she does not forgive him, he must continue in the marriage, do his duty and never look for sympathy. If she divorces him, he must live a principled and decent life. He must suffer in dignity--forever if necessary. He must not become bitter; he must become better.
Marriage was never meant to be a pleasure party. He must learn to be unselfish. It is his job to be there for his wife and kids. She will test him to see if he is sincere. She may test him and give him a hard time for years, decades even. He must never fail. Maybe one day she will see that he is sincere (not just pretending to have changed so as to keep the marriage perks). If nothing else, his nobility and quiet dignity will foster respect. If his apology is merely the crocodile tears of a wounded ego, and not truly sincere, his duplicity will backfire. He must be sincere.
He must not seek to divorce his wife. If she divorces him, and she gets the kids (which is most likely), then he must remain chaste and should not remarry, if possible. He must live honorably and be available for the kids. Divorce is a really big thing for kids. They will undoubtedly resent him for failing them. They may side with mom and hate him. He must never hate back. He must suffer in dignity, with good will. His goodwill and graciousness, his cheerfulness and chasteness, will at least not tempt them to resent him more.
Father stands in for God in the eyes of the child. That is why he must be principled, honorable, wise, thoughtful, kind, and he must stand for what is right (without anger). He must have no vices. A man cannot lecture about marijuana if he has a cigarette in his hand. He cannot correct excessive socializing, for example, if he is surrounded by a bunch of phony friends. He must not be a wimp, but he should not be angry and violent either. He must search within for the patience and wisdom he needs and does not yet have.
As I have often said, most women have issues with their dad. He was not there for her, and she went out in the world looking for love. Chances are she had a bad experience or two with boyfriends who took advantage and did not really love her. Thus, when her husband fails her, it reminds her of all the previous men in her life who failed her.
When her husband fails, power goes to her. She is tempted to judge him and to hold him (and other men) in contempt. And she will probably hold his failing against him. Many women tend to have a memory a mile long when it comes to men's failures. All I can say is "serves him right."
Many men get married and expect it to be one big party. They have no idea how important husband and father are.
Their wife, on the other hand, has high expectations, but fears he may turn out to be like other men. She may have some baggage from the past: unresolved issues beginning with her father who was not there for her. She may als have been disapointed by other men, such as boy friends, who did not really love her.
When her husband fails in some way and she resents him, she tends to project her prior judgments on him. He finds out that there is a lot more going on than just hearts and flowers and candy will fix. He discovers that he needs the wisdom of Solomon and the patience of Job which he does not have. What he should do at this point is realize his lack, and seek his inner ground of being to find understanding.
Sadly, most men will err in how they go about seeking to repair the damage. Some whimper and beg their wife for forgiveness. These men are afraid of losing the comfy relationship they enjoyed. She may or may not accept her whimpering dog back. Either way she gains the power and ascends as his god. Though she may accept him back, she has no respect for him.
Other men will seek external guidance from ministers, support groups, accountability groups, counselors and other experts on how to be a better husband. Though the advice may be well intentioned and helpful, it is nevertheless second hand. It may validate what we know in our heart but should never substitute for it. Without realizing it, he may become more externally based and dependent. What he needs is an independent means of support (his Creator within, actually). This is an inner thing, based on a re-found sincere commitment to principle, without any middleman involved. From this inner rapport will come intuition based understanding, as well as the patience, kindness, wisdom, commitment, and yes, courage to do what is right.
Some men seek support from other men, the bartender, alcohol, drugs or other women. But these supports (basically accepting him the way he is--prideful, selfish and unrepentant) just take the place of an ego supportive woman. Remember, it was seeking support for his ego from his wife (or the other woman) that undermined him in the first place. Some men become married to their work or to money--these also take the place of the woman in supporting his ego.
As you can see, his troubles tested his commitment to principle and love for his family. Alas, his commitment and love were tested and found wanting. All that remains to be seen is whether or not he will be sincerely sorry and willing to change his ways or not. Without a true change of heart and commitment to principle, everything else is just window dressing.
As for the lady, I will discuss how she might salvage the situation in my next article. For now I will just say that her emotional and spiritual well being depend on her being able to stop resenting and let go of her grudge against her husband (and all men). This does not mean that she has to like what he did or pretend nothing happened. It means seeing his failing, but not resenting him for it.
Just as at work a manager can deal with a difficult situation without resenting it and can deal with a troublesome employee without resenting him, so we must learn to deal with personal situations without resentment. Just as it is possible for a teacher or coach to see and patiently correct a student's failing (without resenting the student for it), while at the same time not supporting or condoning it--so can a wife see her husband's failing without supporting it on the one hand or condemning him on the other.
Men are always looking for a woman to mother and support his failings. This craving for (sexual) support for his failings can become way out of bounds. It makes it difficult for a woman to love her husband without supporting what is wrong with him. To the ladies I will just say: don't resent him. It is resentment that hurts us more than anything. Forgiveness is the answer. Again, I must say that forgiveness does not mean pretending nothing happened or going along with what happened. It means not resenting.
How wonderful it is to be married to a noble man. Supporting him in this case is cooperating with and being a helpmate to his goodness. How much better this is than supporting enabling what is wrong with another. Just remember that many men, though having failed as all men do, nevertheless begin to wake up and learn to be unselfish. Such men become more fatherly and one day transcend their former weaknesses.
When a woman resents her husband, she tends to then feel guilty (for the resentment and judgment). She then blames herself and seeks to "be a better wife" to make up for the guilt. Watch our for this trap. Self blame and guild result from the resentment and judgment. Let go of resentment, and you will be able to honestly assess what is going on without guilt.
Of course, my fondest desire would be reconciliation and forgiveness, with both sides realizing their role in the situation. Alas, reconciliation and true forgiveness do not usually happen, but there is always hope. And yes, I understand that if the man is a terrible cad, a separation may be the best and safest way to go. The main thing is watch out for resentment. Let it go. Be there for the kids. Live on in dignity and graciousness.
Therefore, dear ladies, forgive your husband.
Men--although you have failed, your past selfishness and lack of understanding may yet result in a happy ending, if your suffering moves you to repentance and change of heart, leading to the hope of redemption and reconciliation. Drop resentment, and let love come through.
Roland Trujillo M.S., life coach and author, is Director of the Center For Common Sense Counseling and host of the popular Coach Roland internet radio show on Blogtalk Radio. Coach Roland offers solutions and tools for dealing with stress, letting go of baggage from the past, and healing relationships. Roland knows that resentment underlies many of our stress and relationships issues. Roland says: "Love is the answer, but to find love we must let go of resentment." Find out more by visiting http://www.rolandtrujillo.com. For marriage issues, visit http://www.commonsensecouples.blogspot.com. You will find free resources and valuable information. Coach Roland has been helping people for 20 years. Perhaps his common sense approach can help you too.