There's a lot of misinformation about divorce, and Dr. Romance would like to clear up some of the confusion.
Here are 11 things people will not tell you about divorce.
1. Divorce will not make you happier, unless you’re leaving an abusive relationship.
2. Divorce sometimes seems easier than fixing your marriage, but it’s usually not.
3. Many divorced couples get back together later.
4. If you don’t have children, and feel OK about how you’ve divided the assets, you may not need to file. Leave it up to your spouse to pay the fees.
5. Sometimes filing for divorce is what it will take to get him to talk to you about what’s wrong.
6. Even if you’re eager to get the divorce, you’ll have a lot of grief.
7. If he is adamant about wanting a divorce, he probably has someone else already.
8. If money is important to him, protect yourself – he may try to leave you with nothing.
9. Even though you’ll have to go through grief, you can survive divorce.
10. You’ll find out who your friends are – they usually choose one partner to stay friends with.
11. You'll have to rebuild your life after divorce, so begin before you divorce -- you may find you can improve your satisfaction with your marriage.
If you do wind up ending a relationship, here's how to get through the divorce in good shape.
Dr. Romance's 5 tips to moving on emotionally after divorce:
1. If you gave it your best shot, and you know it's over, don't waste time in resentment and anger, it's self-destructive. Let go. Do your grieving, cry, journal, and talk about alone, or with a trusted friend. Have a "letting go" ceremony with close friends, and say goodbye to your married life. Put reminders away for a while.
2. Don't hesitate to get therapy to help you through this transition, so you can grieve what's lost (even if you're the one who left, you've lost your hopes and dreams for this marriage) and move your focus on to building a good life in your new circumstance. A professional viewpoint will help you move from past to present, and plan for the future.
3. Take care of yourself financially -- a good lawyer can help you fight for your rights. You'll
feel a lot less resentment if you get your fair share of the assets.
4. This is an important time to have your friends or family around you, you need support. Don't isolate. You don't have to go right out and date again (go slow with that) but you should have a social life with friends and family. Even if you don't think you feel ready to see people, see your closest friends and spend time with them. They'll help you heal, and remind you that you still have people who love you. Spend a lot of time with people you trust.
5. Focus on building your life. This is a great time to try something other than a relationship -- take a class, start a new business or career, get a puppy. Give yourself plenty of time to heal before taking another chance on love.
You can learn the relationship skills you need in How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free
For low-cost counseling, find me at LoveForever.com
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30 years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.
Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, she’s known as “Dr. Romance” Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as “Oprah”, “Larry King Live” and ABC News.