When infidelity happens, it can literally feel like the earth has swallowed you up along with the carpet that has been ripped violently out from under you. Your world has changed. Everything you believed to be true is suddenly challenged in a way that you never thought possible when you married your spouse. It feels like you will never find your way back to each other.
But, the truth is, most marriages do overcome infidelity. Not only that, many of these people will insist that their marriage is better today than it was before the cheating happened. It might seem impossible to believe right now, but it can happen to you and your spouse if you understand the issues surrounding cheating, and how to get the trust back and rebuild the spark.
Not only does the affair need to be ended, any contact with the person that the affair occurred with, if possible, must end. If this means that you have to change jobs, or move away from friends and family, it should be on the table. When you made vows to each other you said that you would put the marriage first, before all others. If you want your marriage to work, moving on as far as possible from the situation is the best answer.
Don’t expect things to go back to normal right away. Your marriage is a work in progress and should always be improving – affair or not. You have an entire lifetime together. Remember that every small change you can make to create the type of relationship you want will matter over time. Today, waking up and being in a good mood might seem small, but over the course of a year, having more good moods than bad ones will pay off tremendously in your marriage.
You need to come to an understanding of why the affair happened. This is not to excuse the cheater – no – this is to help it not happen again. While some people do have affairs due to sex addiction or an issue within themselves some people do have affairs due to feeling alone and bored in their marriage. This is not to give them an out, but to learn how to prevent future affairs and help bring the trust back.
So often when an affair happens the couple, who is suffering, turns away from each other. They avoid discussions of the affair, or about anything deep due to fear of being hurt again. Don’t do that. Instead, get closer. Talk more. Don’t allow anger and resentment to get the best of you. Keep the lines of communication open. The affair is only one part of your marriage. It might be hard to realize that, but the affair should not get in the way of most of the things you normally do together as spouses.
As you talk to each other, try to be gentle. You both have feelings that should be heard and voiced, but there is never a reason to be cruel and mean. Resentment can lead to anger which can lead to a wider split in your marriage. The person who cheated must take the brunt of this issue on themselves as they are the ones who crossed the boundaries of their marriage. Be nice to the person you cheated on. To the person who was betrayed, realize that if your spouse wants to work out the marriage they have their own grief and sadness to bear too. Believe it or not, those who cheat often are less trusting than those who do not cheat. It will take time for both parties to accept their own parts as well as their feelings.
There are ways that you can rebuild trust that sometimes seem counterproductive, especially to the person who did the cheating. But, if the betrayed spouse needs to check up on the things the one who cheated is saying – to make sure they really are working late, or other issues – then that is what needs to be done to rebuild the trust. The more times the betrayed spouse finds out that the one who committed infidelity is being honest the more trust that will build until they do not feel the need to do that any longer. Answer every phone call from your spouse when you can, call back quickly, and be ready to answer questions.
While you are working on rebuilding the spark in your relationship it’s important that each party also work on themselves. Diet, exercise, buy some new clothing, take a class – whatever you can afford to do for yourself that you’ve put off doing, should be done. If you both spend time working on yourself individually your self-esteem will be higher and it will cut down on cheating opportunities or desire.
If you are concerned at all, go to your doctor (or go to a new doctor) and get tested for STDs. You may also want to talk to the doctor about STDs that cannot be tested for, and how long one might need to wait on sexual activity to be sure that no STDs are going to be passed on. If you’re committed to being together, eventually you will have sex again. But, let what the doctor tells you be your guide to how long you need to wait. This will be one less thing you need to think of when you are ready to be intimate.
Finally, don’t expect changes over night. Each day if you both do the right thing, putting the other party first while also taking care of your own needs – you will naturally come back together when the time is right and you are both ready. There should be no rush, and no time table other than the one you can agree on together. You know your goal is to get back together, and make your marriage stronger than ever. As long as you are both honoring that goal, it will happen.
If you’ve suffered from infidelity, what did you do to get your marriage back together? Do you still need help?
C Mellie Smith specializes in providing helpful resources to couples torn apart by infidelity. Visit http://www.infidelityhealing.com and find out how to rebuild your relationship after an affair.