Oh, yes they do! Now, let’s see how this works. I understand that it is a generalization, but we are generally either men or women, so this would apply to all of us to a larger or smaller degree whether we are aware of it or not.
Everyone knows what a man’s agenda is, at least at the beginning of a “romantic” relationship. It’s sex, loud and clear. We men of course will not admit it out loud, but that’s what we dream of when we encounter a woman we “like”. Women know that as well and they use it, consciously or not, to attract men. So, now women know what we want, but are we men aware of what and if women want something from us. Generally speaking, yes, unless we get “romantically” involved, i.e., fall in love. At that point we’d like to think that we swept them off their feet. In other words, we prefer to be blind and have our ego take over. We like to think that a woman was attracted to us for who we are, because of our personality, because we are funny, well-built, macho, smart, intelligent, good looking, etc. Usually nothing can be further from the truth.
Our agenda when we meet a woman we are attracted to is sex; women’s agenda -- whether they know it or not – is a committed relationship leading to marriage. That all-encompassing motive may have any one of many sub-motives, including:
- Wanting to be rescued from a frustrating life situation
- Wanting to get away from controlling parents or a dissatisfying relationship with a man.
- Wanting to be taken care of, financially and/or emotionally, specifically, wanting someone to protect her from the things that she fears. Those may include being alone and being responsible for herself, making decisions, dealing with money matters, or dealing with the everyday stresses and conflicts of life.
- Wanting to be validated as lovable and attractive.
- Wanting a baby.
Just as a man transforms a woman into an object when it comes to his dreams about sex, so does a woman unconsciously transform the man into an object. She is attracted to him for his potential function in her life, a motive she will deny because she wants to believe that her motive is pure love. Her denial is no different from a man’s denial when he says, “I really do love you. I’m not just after sex.”
In my experience most of the relationships that fall apart started with “love” of this sort; blindness or the denial of real reasons and agendas at work at the time. Just by looking at how relationships started one can pretty much predict how they will end if there were no personal development work involved i.e., if the awareness level has not been raised and each person came to grips with reality. Relationships that start with such infatuation usually start disintegrating as soon as the original needs and motives for starting the relationship have been realized. The reason for “loving” has dissipated and the man becomes just another annoying person with all his positive characteristics which were the original reason for entering into a relationship with him turning into faults. His being strong and tough becomes a bully and insensitive, being successful into “never spending enough time with the family”, being funny into always telling crude jokes, etc. This is not to say that men have no part to play in these dynamics.
Men are equally responsible because of their resistance to looking at the true nature of the relationship in the first place, along with the need to believe the unbelievable – namely, that they are irresistibly lovable just for being themselves.
The inherent reason for such automatic behavior on both sides is well explained in The Gameless Relationship so I’m not going to repeat it here. Suffice it to say that 15,000 years of living in survival mode have created deep roots in our way of thinking and dealing with realities, that we most of the time operate on automatic and rarely stop to smell the roses and attempt to be authentic because being authentic, although seemingly dangerous at times, will not summon a saber tooth tiger to threaten our very life.
Relationships that start with a healthy attitude and genuine love – which is often confused with “being IN love” – have a much better chance of survival. Maybe there is something to be said in favor of “arranged” marriages, but I’ll leave that subject for future articles.
Love to all,
Radomir
http://www.RelationshipSaver.org/
http://www.GamelessRelationship.com/
Radomir has been married since 1975 and has known his now wife, Antoinette since 1969 when they both were in their early twenties. They have a wonderful daughter Diana who is presently studying Psychology at JFK University in California, U.S.A.
Besides having a very happy and satisfying marriage, Radomir is also a Founder and Director of a successful coaching firm DDC Global where he uses the previous training in communication and team work to incorporate it in his current practice of coaching individuals in their relationships as well as training organizations in forming "championship" teams.
A passionate interest in the workings of human nature, as well as his vast experience in working and communicating with people in different environments - He has worked in the United Kingdom, Yugoslavia, Kuwait, and the United States - has naturally led him to his present vocation.
DDC Global operates from Los Angeles where Radomir has lived with his wife and daughter since 1981.
As a business, professional and personal coach, Radomir is highly committed to his clients' being at their best at all times and in any circumstances. He sees no option for success, but to "manifest your best."