Parents and Backtalk: Five Stunningly Simple Ways to Turn Backtalk into Communication

If you think backtalk is something you have to endure as a parent or have to control with strict limits and consequences, you are mistaken. If you follow 5 simple steps in the proper order you will dramatically reduce backtalk and become closer with your child than you ever imagined.

• Connect
• Calm
• Listen
• Limits
• Fresh Start

Do you find your frustration building when the simplest request you make of your child results in backtalk? The natural response is to react to the backtalk by attempting to shut it down. After all, our goal is to stomp it out, right?

Well that is an important question; we certainly do not want to encourage backtalk that is rude and disrespectful. Nevertheless, parents want much more than the momentary relief of stopping the backtalk. Parents consistently say they want to raise respectful polite children.

What causes the backtalk that happens daily in homes around the world?
• Requests by definition, interrupt what someone else is thinking, planning or doing (we really are not waiting around, putting our lives on hold in order for others to pose a request)
• Interruptions can create irritation
• The more one has on their plate, the greater the struggle with the interruption
Parents need to acknowledge that a simple request is an interruption
• Begin with a greeting, finding out what your child has planned
• Focus on connecting rather than your request (if your child feels important to you, they are likely to be more receptive to your request)
• After connecting, make sure you are in a calm, positive mindset because emotions are contagious. If you are pressured and in a rush, your child is likely to catch your pressure and respond with the same emotional tone
• Listen to what is happening with your child and what is most important for him or her
• Only after taking these steps will you make your request. Sounds like you have a lot planned for tonight, (Limit) how about taking a few moments to take the garbage out between now and dinner?
• Fresh Start Once there is request compliance, no “guilting”, no reminding of past behavior-wipe the slate clean

If you take a few moments to go through these five steps you will dramatically increase the likelihood of a positive response, rather than backtalk. Remember that it is hard for any of us to overreact to a request if we feel like we are important and there is some acknowledgment of the importance of our priorities.

However, if you had overreacted, you would have gone into what I term REACTION MODE parenting. For example, “I don’t care what you have planned with your friend, he can wait, take the garbage out now or you will not go anywhere tonight”.

While reaction mode parenting, may temporarily feel good, it really doesn’t move you toward having your child WANT to comply with your request. To the contrary, yelling, demanding, DISCOUNTING, or criticizing tends to create a barrier and disconnect in which your child is likely to feel you do not understand or are unfair.

Why create problems when it is so easy to take a few minutes up front to connect? You will both feel better and you will have solved a nagging, irritating problem.