In our workshops, we'll ask participants: "How many of you would sign up for a class on relationships taught by your parents?". Once in a while, a hand goes up, but it's a rare sight. Yet, that very class, taught by none other than their parents, was the first, and for most people only, class they ever took on relationships.
Of course, the content of the class varies with the personalities and stories of the parents. Whether loving, angry, violent, fun, abusive, religious, or plain vanilla middle class relationship, the common denominator seem to be that is was unconscious. That is, whatever went on was not chosen deliberately, discussed openly, and the participants were not aware how they created the life and relationship they lived.
That, then, is the background story for most people entering into romantic relationships of their own. And if they're like most, they go into this new and promising world of relating with great hopes of love, romance, swept-away-ness, and finding the perfect mate with whom to live the rest of their life. Again, if they're like most, their relationship starts out looking more or less like that, full of excitement, enjoyment of one another, fun, mutual curiosity, plenty of sex and adoration and good will. Even the little "weird" things about their partner shows up as no-big-deals, even endearing. They view their mate as all-round fabulous, with maybe an insignificant amount of "garbage", but hey, who's perfect anyway, right?
At some point, the first disappointment appears on stage. She chooses to go out with her friends instead of him. He doesn't show up at the agreed time. She remarks about his personal hygiene. He demands space to be himself. You know. And ever so slightly, like the proverbial frog in a pot of water who never notices he's being boiled because it's happening so gradually, they start to find fault with each other, feeling limited and reigned-in, not supported and appreciated. Now, their mate looks more like a "garbage-man/woman" with a tiny bit of fabulous!
Having reached a point in relationship where they feel limited, stuck, small, bored, and with no conscious skills of how to change direction, they simply keep pointing out to their mate and anyone else who'll listen, what's wrong, and they are baffled why things don't improve. After all, they've said it a thousand times! They keep at it, repeating the same strategy and hope in vain for a different result.
Depressed yet? Friends, this is the story of life and relationship for most people. Even today, with all the knowledge of the world available within minutes in front of a computer. The relationship class they "took" with their parents is imprinted in their minds, and it will not, cannot, change until brought out in the light and replaced with another set of skills, indeed with an entirely different relationship paradigm. This is possible for anyone with strong desire, willingness to learn something new, and the courage to study themselves. It's not rocket science, but it does require some new input and a bit of adventurous spirit. In other articles we go more into the "how" of the equation of change in relationship.
Suffice it to say for now that relationships hold a possibility far more grand and glorious that most of us ever discover. Marianne Williamson said: "Relationships exist to hasten our path to God". Inside a new paradigm of relating, the conscious co-living with another (or more) being is an opportunity for you to rise to your fullest potential, supported in your ascent, and conversely, a chance for you to lift up your mate to his/her best, highest and most amazing self. It's a never-ending upward spiral of increasing joy, connection, laughter, delight, sensual pleasure and intense passion, an ever-unfolding adventure of creativity and human potential. It's the fast-track to spiritual enlightenment, the short-cut to experiencing the oneness of the Divine without having to die first.
Welcome to the beginning of a new paradigm for relating!
Sonika Tinker & Christian Pedersen, outrageously loving couple teaching radical new paradigm for relating.
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Sonika Tinker is passionately committed to shifting the current relationship paradigm from blame, resignation and scarcity to one of joyful, expansive, delightful co-creation. She helps men and women consciously co-create relationships full of laughter, self- expression, deep intimacy and personal empowerment. She has over 30 years experience coaching singles and couples on the issues of relationship, has designed and led hundreds of trainings and touched the lives of thousands.
Sonika Tinker, MSW, is a Relationship Specialist, Certified NLP ProfessionalTM, Certified Enneagram Teacher (with Helen Palmer) and Founder of LoveWorks, a relationship training company. She is co-author of Seize Your Opportunities: Living a Life Without Limits.
Sonika is an energetic, inspiring, educational coach, leader and speaker. She is recognized for her deep loving presence, her authentic, candid honesty, her lazer insight, cutting edge content and practical tools for change. Sonika’s inspiring teaching & coaching includes humorous and moving stories and exercises designed to motivate and educate, all accompanied by a contagious laugh no one ever forgets!