***Boomer Family Caregivers: Stop. Look. Listen. Then Act.

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written by Betty Smith

If you care for your ill and ailing loved ones, and you are feeling guilty or stressed out or overwhelmed by the challenges of being a full-time family caregiver, KNOW that you are not alone.

Like the airline flight attendants say, “Put on your own oxygen mask first, before you try to assist others.” You, as the primary caregiver, may not realize you have to take care of yourself first. Look at it this way: If something happens to you, who will take care of your loved ones? You are important. Give yourself this small but vital gift of self-support.

Stress is the major issue when Boomers are faced with caring for a loved one. That stress, if unattended, has been known to kill the caregiver before their loved one.

Boomer Family Caregivers: A Practical Exercise to Break the Habitual Cycle of Stress with Your Loved One – Stop. Look. Listen. Then Act.

As children, we learned the basics of “Stop. Look. Listen,” before we crossed a street. It’s still good advice. Sometimes going back to the basics can be really effective.

In this case, it’s important to stop, learn to listen to your thoughts, look and observe your actions, and then take it the next step by watching how things turn out, what takes place in the interaction. Such nonjudgmental observations will help you connect cause and effect, so that needed behavioral shifts can be more easily implemented.

For caregivers, when you are with your loved ones, observing your old habits of thoughts, speech, and actions from a loving but distanced vantage point will go a long way in helping you to see more clearly what is going on.

This “Stop. Look. Listen. Then Act” exercise is hugely effective in combating the old habits ingrained by cultural conditioning. It also takes a lot of practice and discipline, to stand back and observe yourself and your situation from the standpoint of an impartial observer within yourself. However, if there’s one exercise that will move you rapidly along the path of learning to trust your own inner authority and relieve the stress, this “active observation” process is it.

Here’s a way to get started. Decide that on your next encounter with your loved one, that you will put this “Stop. Look. Listen. Then Act,” exercise into practice. As you encounter your loved one, simply let a part of your mind pretend to be a video camera, and you are the camera-person.

You simply observe the interaction and conversation as it happens. You non-judgmentally observe what you are feeling on the inside, what you actually say to your loved one, what happens during the interaction. It can be really helpful after the interaction to sit down and write about what you observed throughout the process of observing to make your learning more concrete.

As soon as you can after the encounter, take a moment to write your reflections. Before you start writing, close your eyes and take some deep breaths. Even just observing like an impartial third party can bring up issues and emotions. Take some time to reflect and write about what came up for you doing this exercise.

* What did you learn?
* What might you do differently?
* Do you see how what you are thinking does (or does not) connect to the words that come out of you?

This “Stop. Look. Listen. Then Act.” exercise is the first step to becoming more mindful of how we interact with our loved ones. We see more clearly the results of our old habitual behaviors.

Maintain this observer attitude before you attempt to make changes in your behavior. You may discover that the simple act of observing will allow you to release stress and guilt while naturally shifting some of your actions to become more beneficial in your relationship with the loved one you are caring for.

In fact, I recommend doing this exercise regularly, and in different areas of your life, not just in your role as caregiver. It will stretch you and make you aware of old habits in a way that few other exercises can.

You may respond to Betty in the “Leave a Comment” section below or email her at bsmith@boomer-living.com.