Father Wounds: Can A Man Suffer From Depression If He Had An Abusive Father?

Feeling heavy, low and deflated could be an inner experience that a man is accustomed to. For as far back as he can remember, he may have had the tendency to experience life in this way.

Consequently, he may typically see life as something that has to be endured, not enjoyed. In general, getting out of bed could be a challenge, getting through the day could be another challenge and, once he goes to bed at night, he might often question if he wants to wake up the next day.

A Miserable Existence

Now, this could mean that he has a job that “pays the bills” but does very little else. If so, as soon as he gets there, he could be thinking about the end of the day and, to go one step further, he could think about the end of the week.

Not only could he do something that doesn’t nourish him, he could also work with a number of people who walk over him. Instead of being a fellow human being, these people could treat him as though he is nothing more than a doormat.

Personal Life

When it comes to his relationships, he could have a number of friends who treat him in a very similar way. These people could treat him as though he has no value and could act more like controlling parents than his equal.

His primary need when he around others could be to do what he can to please them. As a result of this, it will be normal for him to act like an extension of others as opposed to a separate being that has his own needs.

An Analogy

What is clear is that he will be like a leaf in the wind that is tossed from here to there, having absolutely no control over where it goes. When this leaf is on the ground, it will be walked on.

Unlike the leaf, when he is walked on he won’t stay down and he won’t fall apart either. For him, this will be a regular occurrence and not just something that happens and then that’s the end of his time on this planet.

No Fight

When he thinks about what his life is like, he could feel frustrated and helpless, yet that could be about as far as it will go. However, if he does get angry, it might not be long until he soon sinks down and ends up in an emotionally collapsed state.

This will be a time when his parasympathetic nervous system is active and he will have shut down. Additionally, he will passive, have very little energy and his body could have more or less seized up.

Something Is Missing

One way of looking at this would be to say that he needs to start standing his ground and asserting himself. If he doesn’t do this, he will feel even worse and his life will get even worse.

This is something that should naturally take place, in the same way, that he instinctively gets something to eat when he is hungry or drinks when he is thirsty. The fact that this is not automatically taking place shows that something isn’t right.

A Deeper Look

What this can show is that he has split-off or lost touch with, his aggression/fight instinct due to what took place during his early years. This means that he won’t have access to the part of him that would allow him to truly express himself and to stand his ground.

He will then look like a whole human being but he won’t be operating as one. To use an analogy, he will be like a car that has a flat battery and like this car; the only way that he will really move is if he is pushed.

What happened?

During his early years, he may have been physically and verbally abused by his father on a regular basis. Very early on, he wouldn’t have been able to fight back or to run away, the only thing that he could do was to freeze up and disconnect from himself

This wouldn’t have stopped what was taking place but it would have stopped him from being aware of what was going on. Being out of touch with his body would have gradually become part of his everyday life and this would also include being out of touch with his aggression/fight instinct.

A Nonentity

What he went through perhaps thousands of times would have taught him that it wasn’t safe for him to be in his body and to exist. Furthermore, he would have been taught that it wasn’t safe for him to express himself.

His own father and maybe his mother too, irrespective of whether it was intentional, would have conditioned him to tolerate being mistreated. His inability to assert himself as an adult is causing him problems, but, as a child, this is what allowed him to survive in an environment that was extremely dysfunctional.

Awareness

What took place will be “in the past” but his brain and body will still carry the impact of what took place. His nervous system is likely to be loaded up with trauma and until this part of him settles down, he probably won’t be able to be in his body or to express himself.

If a man can relate to this, and is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.