Father Wounds: Can A Man Be Submissive If He Had An Abusive Father?

If a man is out with his friends, he can typically be easy-going and happy to go along with whatever another person wants to do. He is then going to go along to get along and he will rarely assert himself.

It might not be much different when he is at work, as he could be just as compliant and seldom stand up for himself. And, when it comes to what he does for a living, this could be something that he more or less fell into as opposed to something that he consciously chose to do.

The Same Story

Now, if he is in a relationship, he might not be much different, with his partner being the one that makes most of the decisions. She can then put an idea forward and he will go along with it.

Based on what their relationship is like, he can be more like his partners son than her equal. As a result of this, she could often complain about how he doesn’t take the initiative and plan anything or stand up for himself.

Dominated

There may also be moments when she heavily criticises him and treats him like he has no value. But, even if this does take place, he could simply tolerate what is going on and not change his behaviour.

If this is what does take place, it will be clear that his partner doesn’t respect or value him. However, as she has ended up with a man that lacks backbone, she may believe, deep down, that she only has two options when she is in a relationship; either she is dominated or she dominates.

A Doormat

If so, she was probably brought up by at least one parent who was abusive and didn’t respect her boundaries. Anyway, as he behaves in this way, he is likely to spend a lot of time feeling frustrated and down.

Yet, as he will be continually mistreated by others and he won’t do anything about it, how else would he be? He might not believe that he can do anything about what is going on, though, seeing this as just how his life is.

An Exercise

If he was to imagine standing his ground and not putting up with bad behaviour or simply expressing a desire to do something else, he could soon feel anxious. It is then going to be as if his very survival is under threat.

Taking this into account, it will make complete sense as to why he has the tendency to act like a non-entity. Something that shouldn’t be a big deal, in general, will be seen as something that would bring his life to an end.

A Deeper Look

If he has been this way for as long as he can remember, it could show that his early years were anything but nurturing. This may have been a stage of his life when his father and perhaps his mother were abusive.

He would have often been physically harmed by someone who was far bigger and more powerful. Instead of being a source of guidance and protection, then, his father would have been a source of fear and terror and greatly undermined him.

Totally Helpless

But, as he was powerless and totally dependent, he wouldn’t have been able to do anything about what was going on. If he was being mistreated by someone at school, for instance, it would have been different.

The person who was supposed to look after him would have been the one who was mistreating him, leaving him with nowhere to turn. To handle what was going on then, he would have had to go into a shut down, disconnected state and create a false self.

Another Element

Furthermore, as he would have had to lose touch with his aggression, he would have become passive and timid. Having to submit to his own father and perhaps mother, set him up to submit to others and those in authority.

Being easy-going and not standing up for himself would have been something that automatically took place. If he had stood up for himself, he probably would have ended up being harmed even more.

A natural outcome

His early years would have filled him with fear and terror and made him believe that he could only survive by acting like an extension of others. How he behaves is then not a reflection of his true self, it is a reflection of how he had to behave to handle a brutal stage of his life.

Due to what he went through, he is likely to carry a lot of pain and many unmet developmental needs. Working through this pain is going to take courage and patience and persistence.

Awareness
​
If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.