Identifying gaslighting behavior and knowing how to combat gaslighting are essential to maintaining your self-esteem, and mental and emotional health.
Gaslighting is a form of narcissistic abuse that's used not only by narcissists, but also by sociopaths, addicts, and other abusers. Sometimes it's intentional, and sometimes it has become a habit to hide and maintain power.
The term gaslighting comes from the movie Gaslight with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman in which the character played by Boyer slowly tries to make Bergman's character think that she's losing her mind in order to steal from her.
Gaslighting is not an occasional lie or denial. It's a pattern of behavior calculated to make you trust the perpetrator, confuse you, and make you doubt your own perceptions, sanity, memory, or feelings. It's based on the need for control or concealment – often of an affair or gambling, or financial information or losses.
You can recognize gaslighting by the 5 M’s:
There are three categories of gaslighting behavior. The first are statements that devalue you and demean your opinions, feelings, perceptions, or memory.
Demeaning statements are intended to undermine your self-esteem and self-trust. Many abusers use manipulation and emotional abuse to control you without gaslighting.
You should set personal boundaries and object to being demeaned. Some examples of demeaning statements are:
A gaslighter will distort reality to make you doubt your sanity and distrust your perceptions and experience. This can include:
Concern is expressed to hide the gaslighter's plan and culpability. Fake concerns are meant to build trust and confuse you. This behavior includes:
Gaslighting is very serious. It can damage you mentally and emotionally. Read more about gaslighting and its effect on victims, and take these steps:
You may be dealing with someone with a personality disorder. Don't wait to change them. Get help for yourself to learn how to combat gaslighting. Read Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships to strengthen yourself and improve and change the power dynamics in the relationship. You will then be able to evaluate whether to stay, as well as have the strength to leave.
© Darlene Lancer 2024
I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships," Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing Your True Self and Codependency for Dummies. and the 7 ebooks, including 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism, Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps, "I'm Not Perfect - I'm Only Human" - How to Beat Perfectionism, Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness, and How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limits.
I've worked with countless individuals and couples for more than 35 years to recover from trauma and codependency. I'm an expert on narcissism, relationships, and codependency. See www.whatiscodependency.com and www.darlenelancer.com. See my website for FREE podcasts, meditations, and resources.
I've helped many individuals and couples find their way to more productive lives, happier marriages, and also to amicably separate.
My training includes psychoanalytic psychotherapy, EFT, family systems, trauma work, cognitive-behavioral, dream analysis, gestalt, and hypnotherapy.
I maintain a private practice in Santa Monica, and coach people internationally. See my website Service page for more information. Consultation by appointment: 310-458-0016. See my website to get a free report on 14 Steps for Letting Go.