Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Mother-Enmeshed Man Have An Idealised View Of His Father?

If a man were to take a step back and reflect on his life, he could see that he is too focused on his mother's needs and is ignoring a number of his own. He might soon find that this is how he has been for as long as he can remember.

For whatever reason, he will have started to see clearly and this will give him the chance to change his life. After a while, he could wonder why it wasn’t possible for him to see this before.

Blocked out

What this is likely to show is that his brain stopped him from being able to see clearly. It would have done this to allow him to keep it together and function, not to harm him.

As, if he were able to see what was going on, this might have unlocked a lot of pain, which would have made it hard for him to keep it together and function. And, now that he does have a clear idea of what is going on, he could have a lot going on at a mental and emotional level.

All at Sea

For example, he could experience a lot of ‘negative’ thoughts and feelings. So, he could often have thoughts that relate to his needs and feelings being bad, and he could often feel angry, enraged helpless and hopeless.

Nonetheless, if he behaves how he usually does and does what his mother wants, he could feel more at ease. Being there for her is then not going to serve him but it will allow him to be more settled.

One Outlook

If he were to think about his mother, he could come to the conclusion that she is self-absorbed, entitled, lacks empathy and sees him as her possession. She is then not going to be a mentally and emotionally healthy woman.

If this is what she is like, it is unlikely that it will occur to her that her son has his own needs and feelings and life to lead. Therefore, if he were to talk to her about what is going on, he is unlikely to get very far.

A Brick Wall

This can be a time when she is unable to truly hear what he says. For example, what he says can be denied and dismissed, or she could just withdraw.

Either way, it won’t be possible for him to reach her and be seen and heard. What he might soon come to accept is that it is a waste of time for him to try to get through to her.

A Replay

Most likely, what is taking place for him as an adult is a continuation of how it was for him as a child. If so, he would have had to be there for his mother and he would have seldom, if ever, been seen and heard.

What might enter his mind, sooner or later, is that his mother was the bad one but his father was the good one. This could show that his father was around during his formative years and is still with his mother.

Going Deeper

If his mother was often controlling and cruel during this time, his father might have often been easy-going and kind, for instance. From this, it could be said that his mother was the perpetrator and his father was the victim.

Taking this into account, it is not going to be a surprise if he sees his mother as the bad one and his father as the good one. He could even feel sorry for his father and what he had to go through.

Another Angle

Nevertheless, what if the view that he has of his father is not accurate and is partly a way for him to avoid how he feels? What this comes down to is that, on one level, his father might have been the victim, but, he was still an adult.

Furthermore, as his father wasn’t there for him, it would have meant that a number of his developmental needs were rarely, if ever, met. So, this will have related to his need to be protected, guided and affirmed, for instance.

A Tough Time

As a result of this, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded by his father, as well as his mother. The pain that this caused him, along with the needs that were not met, would have ended up being repressed by his brain.

Many, many years will have passed and he may now see his father as the good parent and as having done the best that he could, but, how he felt all those years ago and the needs that were not met won’t have disappeared; this material will be held outside of his conscious awareness. What this illustrates is that there is his adult self and the views that this self has, and then, below this, there is his child self, or child parts, and the pain that relates to how he felt early on and the unmet developmental needs that were not met.

Moving Forward

Working through this pain and the pain that he experienced by being deprived by his mother will play a key part in what will allow him to put this stage of his life behind him and be an integrated human being. This is then not about him blaming his father or mother; it is about him surrendering to and feeling the feelings that he wasn’t able to fully feel during his formative years.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.