Child Abuse: Can An Enabling Father Do As Much Damage As An Abusive Mother?

If someone were to step back and reflect on their formative years, they may see that this stage of their life was not very nurturing. This may have been a time when their mother was often abusive.

Assuming that this was the case, they wouldn’t have had a mother who was very maternal. It would have been as though her primary purpose was to tear them down, not to build them up.

A Strange Scenario

At this point, they could struggle to understand how their own mother could have been so cruel. But, as she will have treated them like her enemy as opposed to her child, this is to be expected.

What might enter their mind is that there must have been something wrong with her. As, if she was mentally, emotionally and physically well, she wouldn’t have treated them in this way.

Two Levels

Sadly, when they were being mistreated by her all those years ago, they wouldn’t have known this. This is because they would have been egocentric, which would have caused them to personalise what was taking place.

The outcome of this is that they are likely to have believed that they were worthless and unlovable, among other things. In addition to this, there would have been how deprived and wounded they were.

Drawing the Line

For not only their conscious mind but also their unconscious mind to move on from what happened, they are going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will play a big part in allowing them to know, at the core of their being, that they are not worthless or unlovable.

If they were to think about their father, assuming that he was around, they could believe that he was the ‘good’ one. Therefore, he wouldn’t have been anything like their mother.

A Closer Look

After thinking about what he was like, they could see that he was kind, gentle and easy-going, for instance. What might also stand out is how he was often mistreated by their mother.

Unlike their mother, then, he wouldn’t have lost touch with his humanity and would have been supportive at times. Thanks to how he was treated, they might have often felt sorry for him.

Another Angle

However, although their father was radically different from their mother and this stage of their life would have probably been a lot worse if he hadn’t been around, it doesn’t mean that he didn’t harm them. He might, for example, have been verbally and perhaps physically abusive at times.

But, to go beyond what he did, there is likely to have been what he didn’t do that also left a mark. So, as their mother was behaving in such a destructive manner, they would have needed their father’s protection.

Two Sides

What they needed was for their father to stand up to their mother and do something about her behaviour. After all, as he was an adult, not a powerless and dependent child, he wasn’t in the same position as they were.

But, although he was an adult, he might have done very little about her behaviour. As a result of this, he would have allowed her to continue to behave in the same way and continue to cause harm.

Not black and white

Moreover, he might have often acted like an extension of her and harmed his child on her orders. From this, it will be clear that it is not as simple as their ‘mother’ having been the bad one and their father having been the ‘good’ one.

It will be more precise to say that they were both deeply wounded people who both played a part in the damage that was done. Most likely, they had both been mistreated during their formative years and were passing on what was done to them.

Generational Abuse

It can seem strange how someone could be abused by their parent or parents and then end up abusing their own child. What plays a part in this is that child abuse can damage someone’s brain, making it hard for them to regulate their inner processes and behave in a conscious manner.

Additionally, they can unconsciously project the parent or parents that they had into their child, with this being a way for them to experience indirect revenge. What this emphasises is how important self-awareness is when it comes to putting an end to abuse.

Awareness
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If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.