Hidden Truth About Codependent Relationships

There’s a saying, “The ending is in the beginning.” Codependent relationship problems start with their low self-esteem, lack of boundaries, and their idealization of love — that it will solve their deeper problems, including shame, which generates beliefs such as: “If I’m loved, I’m lovable,” and “If I’m needed, I won’t be abandoned and lonely.”

Codependents have fantasies of how wonderful their relationship will be, “if only…” their partner would transform (with their help.)

Shame beginning in childhood due to dysfunctional parenting is the source of codependent behavior. But most people are unaware of these feelings. Some may have frequent or occasional, fleeting thoughts of being inadequate, inferior in some way, unlikeable, or unlovable.

Along with this basic insecurity, most codependents have never felt safe in a relationship and don’t know what that would feel like. Thus, they have no touchstone to compare to their unfulfilling or anxiety-filled relationships.

Because of this, they gravitate toward intense relationships that both enliven them and provoke anxiety. They mistake anxiety for chemistry and “excitement.” By idealizing love and a prospective partner, they overlook warning signs of unreliability, selfishness, and instability that portend unhappiness. Dating someone calm and reliable is too boring. They’re also drawn to someone to love with a “broken wing,” a “diamond in the rough,” who is unlikely to leave them. Due to shame, they deny their needs. While focusing on changing their partner, they’re unaware they’re unhappy because their needs aren’t being met and their idealized mate can’t meet them.

Codependents often feel trapped in an unhappy relationship that is out of balance, emotionally distant, or abusive. But it’s their own lack of self-love that has led to this. People treat us with as much respect as we think we deserve. If they don’t, we won’t associate with them. Instead, codependents give away their power by accommodating others and putting them first. If they know their needs, they feel selfish asking for them.

These are relationships where it’s usually unsafe to be vulnerable. In my book Conquering Shame and Codependency, I wrote, “Shame is Love’s Silent Killer.” Hidden shame makes vulnerability and intimacy risky due to fears of judgment or rejection. It takes courage first to risk being honest with ourselves and then with others. Taking those risks to bridge shame and authenticity usually makes it safe for someone else to do the same, although not so often with narcissists, who shun being vulnerable.

It’s codependents’ nonassertiveness and lack of entitlement and sense of power stemming from childhood that perpetuate their problems. We can raise our self-esteem, set boundaries, and change the relationship dynamics or leave.

But unwittingly codependents futilely keep trying to change someone else. Rather than face their internal issues, they exacerbate their problems by focusing on their partner and trying harder to please and fix the relationship instead of themselves. They believe that happiness lies outside of themselves and expect their partner to make them happy. This fundamental fallacy promotes dependency on and reactivity to other people and hence the need to try to control them to feel better. It also makes it hard to leave.

By looking inward, connecting to our feelings, meeting our needs, and nurturing ourselves, we retake our power and become less reactive. By being responsible for our happiness and creating an enjoyable life, we feel better and our relationships often improve; if not, we’re empowered to leave and embrace a better life.

Start by raising your self esteem, setting boundaries, and practicing self-love.

© 2024 Darlene Lancer