Mother-Enmeshed Men: Can A Woman’s Fear Of Intimacy Cause Her To End Up With A Mother-Enmeshed Man?

Right now, a woman can be in a relationship with a man who is rarely physically let alone emotionally available. The reason for this is that he could spend a lot of time being there for his mother and taking care of her needs.

Due to this, she will be in a relationship but she may as well be single, given how little she will receive. However, if she were single, she is likely to have far more energy than she currently has.

A Big Impact

This is because, although she won’t have received much from him, she is likely to have given a lot to him. So, irrespective of whether she has been with him for a number of weeks, months or years, she will have given far more than she has received.

She could see that for as long as she can remember, she has been understanding and supportive. Additionally, she might have also done a lot to try to change him.

Overextended

If this is the case, she might have found him a book to read and even arranged for him to work with a therapist. She will then be his girlfriend, but she will be more like a parental figure.

Yet, no matter what she has done, she might see that it hasn’t had much of an impact on him. If so, she will have given even more, with her only receiving a few crumbs back.

External Feedback

If she were to talk to a friend about what is going on, they could make it clear that she is with a man who is not available and probably never will be. They could say that it is probably best for her to cut her ties with him

This friend will then see that while she wants to have a relationship and that the man she is with is not in a position to have one. After having this conversation, she could believe that she needs to go her own way.

Stepping Back

If this takes place, she could think about how she just happened to end up with a man who wasn’t available. As a result, she could believe that she was just unlucky, or that this is just what men are like.

Alternatively, she could look back on her last relationship or relationships, and see that this is not the first time that she has been with a man who wasn’t available. The other man or men that she has been with might not have been caught up with their mother, but they would have been out of reach nevertheless.

A Pattern

Assuming that she has been with a number of men who were like this, she could wonder what is going on. Yet, as she will want to be with a man who is available and this hasn’t taken place, it is to be expected.

At this point, she might believe that someone or something ‘out there’ is preventing her from having what she wants. But, irrespective of whether she has this view, there is a chance that another part of her wants something else.

Another Angle

What she will need to keep in mind is that along with her conscious mind or conscious sense of herself, she also has an unconscious mind. This other, hidden part of her is bigger and more powerful than her conscious mind.

Thus, as she wants one thing but is receiving something else entirely, it is likely to show that this other part of her wants something else. This other part of her can be trying to receive what she missed out on during her formative years.

A Closer Look

This may have been a stage of her life when her mother and/or perhaps her father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Moreover, one or both of her parents might have been verbally and even physically abusive.

The outcome of this is that she would have missed out on the love that she needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle what happened, her brain would have repressed how she felt and a number of her needs.

The meaning

Along with this, she would have come to believe that her needs and feelings were bad and that she was worthless and unlovable. And, she would have formed a number of associations around human contact.

She probably came to believe that it wasn’t safe for her to let her guard down and get close to another. How one or both of her parents behaved would then have been attributed to how everyone behaves.

The Outcome

As a result of this, consciously she will want to be with a man who is available, but at a deeper level, thanks to the associations that she formed early on, she won’t feel comfortable with closeness. Furthermore, she will unconsciously be pulled to men who are unavailable in the hope of finally receiving the love that she missed out on.

The part of her that was wounded those years ago has no sense of time and is blind, so it won’t realise that this stage of her life is over and another man is not her mother or father. A small part of her then will live in the now, while an ever bigger part of her will live in the past and will be projecting this stage of her life into the present.

Moving Forward

For her to change her inner model of intimacy and no longer look for the love that she missed out on during her formative years, she is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a woman can relate to this and she is ready to change her life, she may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.