Time and time again I hear stories of couples who live with the oldies for the very good reason of saving money and find out that their sex lives get put on hold. Living with parents or in-laws may be practical if saving for a first home, but can be the equivalent of “hitting the penis on the end with a cold spoon”- for both partners! It’s often a guaranteed anti-aphrodisiac.
In fact, it can be even more disastrous – one couple lived with his parents for the first year of their marriage and NEVER (not even once!) consummated their union!
It’s an interesting phenomenon to analyze. Assuming you are in relationship, you are considered mature by the rest of society and therefore have the world’s “permission” to be sexually intimate. Why should the perfectly natural act of sex, the adventurous, lusty, juicy sex of young folk be sensed as “no-go” behavior, just because the older generation is in close proximity? After all, it’s not as if they never “did it” – one of you was the result!
Why let passion be frozen by assumed parental judgement?
I recommend two possible course of action:
1. Be direct and declare your intentions. Sit your folks down and say something like this:
“You know we love each other very much and one of the ways we like to share that is by being sexually intimate. We want you to know that we realise you were raised with a less open attitude to sex and we want to know that we would never wish to offend your sensibility. However, we may occasionally and inadvertently show signs that we are enjoying our special intimacy and we would like for you to appreciate our privacy by ignoring it! Then ask the important clearing question” “Is that OK”
If they say yes, go for it!
2. If they are uncomfortable with your request…or if you were too weak-kneed to even make it…you may prefer the indirect method. What’s that you ask?
Take time for sex whenever you can when they/or you are out of the house. You could do it in the car (at the drive-in or park). You could stay at a motel or out-of-town friend’s house or you could become a professional house-sitter and use the folks’ house in between sitting obligations.
When you are stuck at home with your oldies, you can still get a lot of passionate connection by having a set of special cues which you share –like a quick feel behind the bathroom door, or a few words which remind you of that kinky fantasy you have about doing it on their kitchen bench. Or even by reminding each other of when you did do it (even more cheekily) in their bed!)!
So respect your oldies and match your behaviours to their expectations, but never let them dictate your sex-life or make it suffer.
Dr. Janet Hall is a psychologist, hypnotherapist, sex therapist, author, professional speaker, trainer, and media consultant. Jan consults regularly with print media and is a frequent guest on talk-back radio and current affairs shows.
Jan was a regular for two years on the Sex Life television program in Australia. Her user-friendly strategies offer practical solutions to sexual and relationship issues so that you can have the love and the sensational sex that you deserve. Jan has a unique ability to encourage people to clarify their situation and solve their own problems with both heart (trusting intuition and feelings) and head (with logical analysis and rational prioritization). She believes that people deserve to feel empowered and allow themselves to be the best they can for the good of all. Jan has a happy knack of making psychology user friendly.
Dr Janet Hall