Excerpts from Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach’s New Book, “How to Live Your Life with Emotional Intelligence”

HOW JEN USES EQ
Jen is a manager for a department store

“If you don’t learn how to get along with the Accounting Department,” Bob the Boss yelled, “I’m going to fire you. I’m tired of them coming to me…”

Jen got up and closed her office door. Mercy was getting raked over the coals for the second time that week. Such a nice young lady, and she got along so well with the support staff, but the men in Accounting intimidated her, thought Jen. She didn’t have the social skills to maneuver the politicks of the Accounting Dept., or calm Bob, and Jen knew her days were numbered.

“How can I help her?” Jen agonized. Mercy was her best secretary.

“Mercy,” Jen whispered, as she came down the hall, beckoning her into her office. “Mercy, can’t you just relax. Be nice. You know, smile? Just GET ALONG.”

It did no good. Jen didn’t know how to correct what Mercy was doing wrong or how to tell her to do it otherwise. Jen didn’t have the skills back then and Mercy would just cry and then go back and do the same thing, and eventually she got fired.

That’s exactly why Jen took to the field of Emotional Intelligence the minute her EQ coach told her about it. “I saw immediately that it would show me how to teach people like Mercy the skills they needed so I wouldn’t keep losing good workers just because they lacked some easy-to-learn competencies,” said Jen.

“NOW I can tell someone how to ‘get along,’ or ‘have a good attitude,’ or ‘be a team player,’ or ‘learn leadership skills,’ save their job and make their life work better. It feels so much better. Now I feel like I’m a REAL manager.”

Emotional Intelligence breaks it all down into steps we can understand and learn.
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INTERACTIVE EXERCISE:
PRACTICE INTENTIONALITY

Concerning your partner, decide how you intend your relationship to be tonight when you get home from work. (Please change the specifics to fit your own situation.)

· Do you intend to pick a fight?
· Do you intend to listen with your full attention?
· Do you intend to ignore your partner?
· Do you intend to be fully with your partner, and share your feelings from the day – good, bad, or indifferent?
· Do you intend to violate your agreement that each of you gets a 30-minute “quiet time” before chatting?
· Do you intend to “catch” your partner’s feelings, i.e., if they are depressed, you’ll need to be too?

SUDDENLY Q&A:
Q: But WHY are emotions so contagious?
A: Because at one time our lives depended upon being able to read the emotions of … our moms! (Or primary caretaker.) When little Dougie first hits the playground and sees the slide, he may impetuously climb up the ladder. Then he takes a look at what lies in front of him. Then he takes a look at what lies behind him. And, smart little kid that he is, he wonders what he’s supposed to do and, more importantly, if he’s supposed to be afraid.

cont'd.
So Dougie looks at his Mom and there, in her eyes, he finds his answer. If she’s calm and nonchalant, or happy, he knows it’s a go-ahead.

If she’s panicked or looks afraid, even if she beckons him onward, he’ll go with the feelings he "reads.” It’s that limbic connection that allows us to “read" these emotions, and what Mom is, is an Expert in Emotions. Regardless of your age, you may still look to Mom today to see how you’re supposed to take things.

There’s a poignant scene in “The Godfather,’ where the young woman finds out her husband has a mistress, and goes to her mother. Her mother guides her, asking the pertinent question—is he still making love to her, the wife.

The daughter sobs, “Yes.” The mother nods, without saying anything, and then strokes her daughter’s head as she cries. Perhaps she has been there herself. For sure she knows more about men, and life, and pain, and coping than her daughter. Most of all, she knows that her daughter can endure the pain, which her daughter is not at all sure about. That’s Mom.

EQ IS “SOFT” SKILLS, MATURITY, COMMON SENSE

What has Emotional Intelligence been called in the past? Common sense, savvy, “soft” skills, maturity, people skills, knowing how to get along, knowing how to motivate others, keeping your head when others are losing theirs, leadership. It covers a lot of important things. I’m sure you’re beginning to get the picture.

But in the past if someone told you, “You need to learn how to get along better with people,” where would you begin? If you knew how to be “getting along with people,” you’d already be doing it, because life certainly goes better when we get along, and we all want our lives to go well.

When you study Emotional Intelligence, you’ll be learning how to ‘get along,’ among other things.

Now I'm sure you're curious to know more about Emotional Intelligence. In the next chapter we’ll cover why it's so important, and how to increase yours.

Yes, that's the good news. Unlike IQ, EQ can be learned. It can be increased over our lifetime. According to Reuven Bar-on, Ph.D., it increases till about age 50 and then there’s a small decline. However this, like any statistic, is “average.” You can jumpstart the growth curve at any time by working with an EQ coach and increasing your skills.