The MidLife Caregiver - "I'll Love You Forever"

I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.” by Robert Munsch

The Sunday before last I was pushing my mother along the sidewalk in her wheelchair to Starbucks where we often go for tea. She can walk, but not quite that far roundtrip. On the way we passed a young mom pushing her toddler daughter in a stroller. We all smiled at each other. In the moment after our encounter I ‘got’ the symbolism of this encounter. I think she did too.

It’s a circle game as Joni Mitchell used to say. The mom we passed takes care of her little girl and one day that girl may take care of her mom. After this thought about the circle of life I remembered the Robert Munsch story Love You Forever. He’s always been one of my favourite authors.

Love You Forever started as a song, which came out of a very sad time in Munsch’s life. I didn’t know that until today when I went on his website. You can read the story there; it’s very interesting.

When we heard Munsch tell his stories in Belleville Ontario in 1989, Love You Forever was one of the ones he told. It’s about a mother who raises her son, then when she’s very, very old, he looks after her. He said that whenever he tells that story all the children laugh and the parents cry. Although it’s been years since I read it, the images are ingrained in my head. It moves me deeply.

In the circle of time parents look after children and sometimes children look after parents. Most of us midlife women do not have our aging parents in our homes living with us, but many of us are hands-on caregivers. Some of us are professional caregivers who usually have spouses, children and aging parents also.

It’s a challenging job and often a very emotional one to be with our parents (or other disabled family members such as partners and children) as their mental and/or physical capacities diminish over time slowly, or sometimes rapidly as with cancer. This new role is in addition to our regular tasks of work, school, parenting, relationship and other personal life. The additional responsibility is taken on as a labour of love, or duty, or a combination of both.

At first the additional commitment may not seem like a lot, but slowly, over time, the needs of the aging parent become greater. It takes a toll on us - on our bodies, our minds and our spirits. Our society has cut back on many healthcare options formerly available to midlife children, yet an overall, comprehensive support system, (for the caregivers as well as the aging parent), doesn’t exist in the community to the degree it is needed.

This means we have to be very proactive about meeting our own needs by taking on only what we can manage reasonably and still have some time, and more importantly energy left for ourselves. We need very strong, clear boundaries. For who will do this for us, if we don’t do it ourselves?