In my 30+ years as a psychotherapist, I have seen that people’s relationship with money—at the root—is based on a young child’s thoughts, feelings, and decisions about money and about the things money symbolizes for them.
I have also seen that when under stress, people regress to the thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of a child. They may not completely regress, they may not act on it, but they might. This happens in all of us without our awareness. And whatever we do from the regressed place inside us—no matter how unconscious—has a huge impact on us individually and communally.
A 6’2” 250-pound CEO of a company flies into a rage at his employees when the business he owns and loves is losing money. Actually, he is a “tantruming” two-year-old or a raging baby in the body of a 42-year-old man.
We are in a recession. People under stress are regressing without knowing it. Actions they take may look adult, but often come from their regressed child within. They panic in response to economic chaos and make poor decisions with their resources—decisions that affect them as well as the economy. This feeds a vicious cycle – because when things get worse, panic and regression deepen.
If the CEO above came to my office I would work with him to explore his relationship with money. Let’s walk through a shortened version so you get a taste of the depth and breadth of the potential in this work. *
John comes to my office with $1,000 in cash. After preparing him for the work—in both previous sessions and today—I ask him to hold the money in his hands and talk to it. He begins.
“I want you. I need you. I can’t get enough of you. I’m starving for you. I’m desperate for you. I’ll never have enough of you. Never. There’s no way out.”
He stops, looks at me, and cries. He covers his face with his hands, the money still held tightly. He finally says, “I don’t know what this is about. I don’t even know why I’m crying.”
I repeat what he has said: “I want you. I need you. I can’t get enough of you. I’m starving for you. I’m desperate for you. I’ll never have enough of you. Never. There’s no way out.” I ask him other than money, who else could he say that to?
“My mother,” he replies. “I never had enough of her. Even if I begged. Even if I was a good boy and did everything I could to make her happy.”
“Do you see what you’re uncovering?” I ask. “We’re discovering that you have transferred your feelings toward mother – who was your first source of resources – onto money, one of your resources today. You have transferred your thoughts, feelings, perceptions, experiences, decisions, behavior, fantasies, body responses, and more from mom onto money.”
“So I’m raging like a little boy who can’t have mommy?” He asks.
“Exactly,” I respond. “And, what are you feeling beneath the rage?”
“I’m terrified I won’t have enough.”
“And what do you do when you’re terrified, John, other than rage?”
“I want more and more, Judith. I manipulate to get it and take it. I grab and hoard. Judith, this is amazing, how did we get here?”
“We followed the clues from within you. Shall we continue?”
John agrees.
“John, what is the effect on you of your raging?”
“I feel out of control and scared. I scare people around me. People don’t want to get close to me. I feel like I’m a monster. And that scares me.”
“John, may I share with you what I see?”
“Yes, please, Judith.”
“Your raging scares others, and probably triggers their childhood fears. That’s why they cringe, and withdraw from you rather than saying ‘stop.’”
“I seeeee. So here in this international corporation we’re in these big bodies but we’re children inside – all of us?”
“Right! That’s the heart of it. So if they do their jobs like children, without realizing it, they impact customers you serve all over the world. When those customers are affected, the child in each of them gets scared and angry and reacts in ways that aren’t grown up. That affects the next people and so on. You see, John, the effects of your childhood deprivation – the feelings you’ve buried inside you, the childhood decisions you made about never having enough, the actions you take – are like a line of dominoes causing everything to tumble into a regression.”
“Judith, why don’t we all know that? Why aren’t we taught?”
“A story for another time, John. In essence, people are afraid of their memories and feelings, and because of the fear, they try to keep it all buried. But when we keep it buried, it somehow explodes out into the world and affects everyone.
“I’ve wondered, John, if this recession is really the consequence of many ‘lines of dominoes tumbling into a regression – a recession regression.’“
As John stands at the door, I say “You did great work today. And just like your feelings, decisions, and behaviors have an impact on the world, so also does the work you do to heal yourself.”
John smiles and walks with his step a bit lighter than it was on the way in.
As a psychotherapist and financial services affiliate I am troubled by the lack of discussion in the financial, media, and healing worlds about the effects of our emotional lives on our relationships with money and, as a result, on the economy, our country, and our world.
The individual and workshop sessions I’ve offered on Healing Your Relationship with Money have helped my clients, psychotherapists, financial professionals (accountants, bankers, advisors) and the public. I repeatedly see the powerful impact of working on a deep level facing the feelings within us. One planner said afterward that he had learned more about the participant’s relationship with money observing this work than he is ordinarily able to do in six months.
The anxiety people have in their relationships with money preceded the current market turmoil by a long time. It will be here after the chaos has calmed and we are on seemingly solid ground again in the economy. For many people that anxiety exists all the time. It’s not going away—not as a result of things we do on the practical level in the outer world—not by selling our assets, protecting our savings, getting another job, cashing in an IRA, buying lottery tickets.
The only thing that can help resolve that anxiety is for us to do the work in our inner world, the world of our psyche and soul, to discover, explore, heal, improve our relationship with money.
We each have our own version of a young relationship with money needing to be healed. Our current relationship with money affects our world. We can help heal our world by doing our own inner work.
In my field, therapists need to do their own work to be in integrity working with their clients. Sadly, they don’t all do so. Similarly, it’s important for financial advisors to do their own work about their relationships with money so they can help their clients at a much deeper level.
And imagine if media hosts did their own work with money before they broadcast their message to the world. How different our radio and television news shows would be!
So imagine you decide to work with your own relationship with money. Imagine the effect on you. Imagine the effect on the people with whom you work. Imagine the effect on our nation’s economy. Imagine the effect on our world!
*This is not something to be done with people if you are not a healing arts professional who has been trained to work with someone’s psyche. You don’t know what will be opened up for the person. It can be dangerous if you aren’t trained to help them.
© 2008, Judith Barr
Judith Barr has been a depth psychotherapist in private practice since 1975, now practices in Brookfield, CT, and has earned an M.S. in Counseling and licensure as a Mental Health Counselor in Florida, New York, and Connecticut. She is also a Financial Services Affiliate of NAPFA. She has published a book, Power Abused, Power Healed, as well as an audio series, The Spoken Word on Behalf of the Feminine. She can be contacted at judithbarr@powerabusedpowerhealed.com.