Even as a Life Coach, I have my challenges with my three teens. Talking and having regular conversations is the key element for successful parenting. Just this morning when I had the same stuck state with my youngest daughter now 14. I tried to stay as calm as I can. I was grieving how I got into this stuck state. She seemed to be venting about how irritating I was. When I asked her what was the irritating part, she could not relate to the particular incidents.
Perception
She shared that when she talk to me, she felt that I thought it was a waste of time and walk away. It's so interesting to hear how she perceive what I do. I walk away thinking she did not need an answer from me and also when I hear her tone of voice that sounded angry. I did not want to stay in that energy and get triggered into being angry myself. We talked about facial expressions and tone of voice. She felt that she was not angry. So we had different perception and perspective. The good thing was we were speaking our minds.
Empathise
Finally, what she wanted from me was to empathise by saying "Relax..relax, each time when she complain about something or is stressed." All she wanted is for me to listen right through and comfort her! That was an insight, a reminder not to be upset by her tone of voice or venting. Not to think that she wants a solution. That was a mini-revelation.
Understanding each other
I said to her that it is very important to keep having a dialogue like this so that we get to understand each other better. We do have ups and downs, and there is no warning. We talked a bit about my menopause and her hormones changes. How these changes in our body can play havoc to our moods. The most important is to go back to the basics. Just exercise and let the hormones balance. The other important thing is to forgive and let go of our past stories so that we don't spiral into drama.
The ups and downs is part of the journey and that's how we change, learn and grow. By continuing to talk, have dialogues like this, that is the secret to successful parent and teens relationships. Relationships are developed through the effort we put into our communications. Understanding what each other is thinking.
Don't bring your role from work to home
she said, "There is no such thing as perfect parent." I totally agreed with her. She added, "I just want you to be a normal parent." I was wondering what is a normal parent. Then she said, "Just like when you are a principal, when you go home don't become a principal, so strict with your children." Ha! I got it. She said, "Don't bring your coaching thing home." We just don't want to hear you coaching us. Thanks for reminding me!
Positive Feedback
I shared with her that I am very proud of her, highlighting how she have checklists for her to-do-list. How she kept to her word. I like it when she speak calmly. The ending was sweet. She fried omelet for me. My feedback to her was that this small gesture showed that she cares for me and I am very grateful, I love it. Time to celebrate!
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To shift the mindset of people to develop self-leadership in life through self-love.
To connect parents and teens to inspire each other to live life purposefully.
Dolly Yeo is the chief coach and founder of Mindset Coaching that specialises in Professional life coaching.
She is a Results Certified Coach (Australia).
Member of the International Coach Federation, Singapore.
Member of Asia Pacific Alliance of Coaches (APAC).
She is also an Active Parenting Certified Leader as well as a Certified Parent Facilitator for Parenting Workshops.