10 Things A Woman Does Not Want To Hear On A First Date

The world of dating can be a challenging one, with first impressions being a make or break factor in the success of the entire evening. What to wear; where to meet; how many condoms to stuff into your wallet; there are so many decisions to make. But here at The Tooth, our resident lady has put together the top ten turn offs for women on a first date. You have been warned.

1. “I do this all the time”

On a first date one party is bound to ask the other whether they’ve “done this before”, and it’s a perfectly legitimate question. By all means, be honest – but be vaguely honest. It’s ok to throw a figure out there, but the last thing we want to hear is that you’ve taken at least two hundred girls out… to the exact same place. For a woman to discover she’s about as special as a contestant on Takeshi’s Castle will not set you in good stead for the rest of the evening.

2. “You’re not how I remembered”

A niche scenario for those of you who have ever bravely agreed to a post-lash date. It’s one thing to meet with a girl you barely remember – it’s quite another to have her down as someone completely different and probably, in your mind, much better. “I swear we were talking by the taxi – you wore that sexy black dress?” No, that was my friend. I was the one that tried to punch the kebab out of your hand twenty minutes later. So if you’ve made a mistake, keep schtum, save both of you some face and learn a lesson for next time; sobriety is key in dating.

3. “…and that’s why I posted a box of dog shit through her door”

Generally speaking, women are more sensitive than men. Not the case for the single woman. Though we’d love listen to you kvetching on about past relationships, and be the ones to nurse the bruised and battered heart you’ve been dragging around since adolescence – we don’t want to be doing it on the first date. Yes – do show emotion; you’re not the tin man. Just don’t drown me in your tears of anger, especially when it comes to ex-girlfriends. Watching a guy shit himself with rage over a woman you’ve never met makes for an uncomfortable experience.

4. ‘…and that’s why she is best thing that’s ever happened to me’”

That also goes for talking about ex-girlfriends too fondly. Watching a guy shit himself with glee over the woman you’ll never be also makes for an uncomfortable experience.

5. “I’m on big money, baby”

It may just be the way my father raised me, but if you earn big, you keep quiet. Going on a date with someone who tells you they pay more tax per month than you earn per year is nauseating. If I was interested in your money, we’d have met via ‘sugardaddies.com’… and yes I WILL pay my half of the bill, thank you very much.

6. “Do you believe in the afterlife?”

Don’t get me wrong, I think religion is an important talking point; it’s healthy to have a view on it. However I’m not going to listen to one hundred reasons why either God or Dawkins is “a waste of time” on our first date. So unless you know how to share religious opinions tactfully, stop being obnoxious and save the heavy lectures for when we are better acquainted.

7. “Garcon, I could have you fired!”

If you think you can mpress someone over dinner by giving waiting staff a verbal beating, you’d just be stupid. I’d say you’re extremely likely to be on a date with a girl who has, at the age of sixteen, had to wait on intolerable gimps like you. So don’t be unnecessarily rude when the waiter brings you the ‘LeChâteaux St.Jean’ instead of the ‘LeChâteaux St.Jaques’ Merlot. No, you could not tell the difference and, yes, it has made your penis seem much smaller.

8. “You really remind me of my mum”

Women don’t want to know the way they lick their lips or suck on their straws is “just like how mum does it.” We’re probably trying to seem irresistible, so although it’s great to hear you have a solid relationship with your mother, stop interjecting with half humorous anecdotes about her every time we make an ‘inadvertently’ sexual move. Making a woman think about your mum while she’s pulling out all the moves is tantamount to farting in her mouth. Without pants on.

9. “Something’s come up”

Code for: “I’m bailing on you.” It’s probably the worst thing you could say to a girl, even if you’ve already gone ahead and done everything else on this list. We may have spent the entire evening thinking of different ways to cut this date short as well, but don’t you dare make that move before us. It’s too heavy a burden for a woman’s pride to bear.

10. ‘So where do you see this going?’

Absolutely nowhere now you’ve said that.