12 Awful First Date Tips: Drink Chablis With a Straw

Wondering what to do on a first date? Here are 12 awful ways to impress a woman. Good first date tips include conversation on first date, flirting & etiquette. That’s just silly. Women readers: see if your dates have pulled these stunts on you….er, I mean, perhaps you could pick up some tips, too.

So-called experts say that these are things not to do on a romantic first date. Nuts to them. Set the tone of the relationship right from the start by being yourself. Always being yourself is the key to dating success and life-long happiness.

Why pretend to be something you’re not? It’s so much trouble to try to impress somebody with proper restaurant etiquette. You’ll shuck those fancy manners after awhile anyhoo. Besides, when you fish with the wrong bait, you catch the wrong fish. And what does that get you?

The wrong bait nets you a high-maintenance partner who expects you to behave properly all the time. Somebody who wants you to eat peas with a fork instead of a spoon. What a drag. Who wants a partner like that?

Now That You're Seated at the Restaurant, Let's Begin to Impress Your Date

1. Order chablis the fancy way, “with a straw.” To show off —your wine expertise, that is—pronounce the “s” in chablis.

2. Order garlicky steak for you and liver—no onions—for your date. If your date claims to be a vegetarian, say, “Oh, no wonder you look green. The red meat will do you good.”

3. When your salads arrive, pull a worm from your pocket and put it on your salad plate. Say, “It’s my ticket to many a free meal.” Ask for the manager and point to the worm. “What kind of a joint are you runnin’ here? My sister at the department of health oughta check you guys out.” Demand that the whole meal be taken off your bill.

4. Pick your nose. Examine the booger. Eat it.

5. Flirt with the wait staff, male and female.

6. Use your nose-pickin’ fingers to pluck the choicest morsel from your date’s plate.

7. Chew with your mouth way, way open. Show off those fillings.

8. Don’t make her invent conversation on a first date. Show off your gift of small talk. Women think that men don’t communicate, so bust that myth by talking about yourself constantly.

9. Burp as musically as possible.

10. Use your fork as a toothpick. If that doesn’t dislodge the gunk, use your fingers—the more the better.

11. Complain about the service. Don’t leave a tip.

12. Do leave in a hurry.

In other words, just do what comes naturally. When you find someone who appreciates the real you—no pretenses, no airs—you’ll know she is The One. Duct tape her photo to the living room wall, right next to your keg.

And now I’d like to invite you to discover how good first-date questions can help you get into your date’s good graces. Get your free copy of “15 Sure-Fire Conversation Questions for Dates, Parties, and Hanging Out With Friends”