7 Secrets to Surviving the Holidays with Your In-Laws

Your husband’s Aunt Bessie makes comments about your weight, Uncle Frank is already sauced before dinner, your mother-in-law lets everyone know how much work she’s done to prepare the meal (and how little you’ve helped) and your kids can’t wait to get out of there and go home.

Holiday times are tough enough with the burden of travel, the financial stress of playing Santa and the hectic schedule of holiday parties. But the dance of pleasing the in-laws while maintaining your sanity can make you want to hide out in an igloo until January 2nd!

Dealing with the stress of demanding and critical in-laws during the holidays is easier than you might think. If you feel apprehensive about family gatherings, instead of stuffing your stress with emotional eating or drinking, here are 7 sure-fire ways to avoid the negative emotional pitfalls that can sometimes crop up:

1. Don’t try to impress anyoner
One of the easiest mistakes anyone can make, especially when among family, is to try to impress them. Wanting the in-laws to know how great a wife you are, hoping they are amazed by your “Super Mom” capabilities, expecting them to be “wowed” by your promotion at work, or your pecan pie—whatever the accomplishment, when we want family to recognize and praise us, and they don’t, we end up resentment and disappointed. Instead of thinking about how to get their attention and approval, concentrate instead on just being yourself. Look for ways you can get your mind off of their lack of interest in your world by asking them questions about theirs. That’s what people really want to talk about, anyway, so let them be the star. Mark Twain said it best: “When you strive to make an impression, that is the impression you make”.

2. Offer as little information about yourself as possibler
One of the biggest apprehensions about being with in-laws is the fear of being judged. You may sometimes feel like they ask you questions just so they can cast judgment on you—your parenting skills, how you pass your time, how you spend your money. These judgments can be painful and leave you feeling invaded and betrayed. But often you offer too much information in the attempt to gain approval for your decisions. There is no need to be vulnerable in places that aren’t safe. Be polite, but don’t prostrate yourself. Notice your tendency to want to explain and justify yourself and sidestep these conversations, when possible. If pressed, it’s ok to say, “I don’t want to discuss that right now”, or, “That’s a personal issue that I don’t feel comfortable sharing here.”

3. Pray for the crabby onesr
When people are being mean or sarcastic, it’s easy to take it personally and get upset. Stand up for yourself and your family, of course, but know also that “hurt people hurt people”. So just consider that that awful aunt who is always cutting on someone (especially you) is probably unhappy herself. She may be going through a difficult time with her health or something you don’t know about, and you and your kids are an easy target. When your patience is tested, try saying a prayer for the person who needs it most: the one who just can’t seem to be nice. And while you’re at it, pray for tolerance, acceptance and the ability to love them in spite of their ways!

4. Take a “time out”
When you’re feeling tired and stressed-out by the family dynamics, it’s ok to take a “time out!” Grab your coat and take a brisk walk. Get out in the fresh air and vent your frustrations…to your higher power, to the birds and the squirrels and just walk it off. Don’t worry about being missed, just slip out the door quietly and when you return nothing at the house will probably have changed, but you will have changed! You will feel more relaxed and peaceful and be able to bring love to the moment.

5. HALT
The best advice you can take with you into the holiday season is to HALT when you get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. Pay attention to these clues! We all tend to do too many things and take on too much stress during the holidays. Take time for yourself with some meditation, a good book, watching a movie, taking a bath, or even having a nap (yes, naps are allowed!). Pace yourself and get plenty of rest and you’ll be amazed at how much more pleasant visits with the in-laws can be!

6. Don’t be cattyr
The easiest thing to do when you’re frustrated with the in-laws is to bitch about them. Snide remarks to your husband, kids, and other family members may feel good in the moment, but they may come back to haunt you. You can make a strained relationship a lot worse when they learn you’ve been bad-mouthing them, so resist the temptation to gossip or complain. It’s important to express your frustrations, with the person when appropriate, or to a neutral party like a friend or counselor when being direct would do more harm than good. But being catty and engaging in gossip will only create more stress in the end.

7. Do the dishesr
When all else fails, do the dishes! There’s very little heat you can take when you’re helping out in the kitchen. Let the gossip fly around you but keep your nose to the grindstone and just keep cleaning up! It’s therapeutic and will keep you out of almost any trouble there is to be had! (But don’t expect to be thanked for your good deed or you’ll end up resentful and defeat the whole purpose!)

Yes, it is possible to enjoy the holidays with the in-laws! Print this article and keep it handy. Refer to it often until these suggestions become easy. Following these 7 guidelines will help you keep the peace while experiencing yuletide joy!