We all search for ways to improve our self-esteem. You see people like Trump, or movie stars, and see them being so secure in themselves, it has to be the money.

But you’re wrong.

Self-esteem has nothing to do with money and everything with what you do and did. So let me give you 7 steps to build a belief in yourself which cannot be shattered.

STEP 1: Observe your thoughts
The first and most important step is to learn to observe your thoughts. And specifically, every time you’re thinking about external validation.
In practical terms, whenever you want something, think about why you want it. To impress others? To feel better because others like you?

Let me give you a few simple examples:
- When you want to have a ton of money to buy stuff to impress others
- When you want to have daily sex with your wife to feel good about getting laid so much
- When you play Videogames to brag about your in-game achievements
- When you wait to reply when someone talks, and not wait to listen
- When you think about how you can impress others

All these thoughts are rooted in external validation. And this means your self-esteem is dependent on others. This is a big mistake because ultimately these people have control over how you feel about yourself.

When you buy that new car, but people don’t like it, that shatters your self-esteem. When in reality you should’ve bought it because you like it. And what anyone else thinks about it, doesn’t matter.

STEP 2: Stop caring too much
Step one ultimately leads to step two. If you observe your thoughts and how they are trenched in external validation, you will eventually stop caring about these things.

That’s what happened to me. Once I observed how a lot of things I do are just rooted in how others feel about it, I stopped doing that by stopping to care what other people think of me.

This step is an easy way to discern who of the people you meet or see online and in the media actually have self-esteem. For example, when actors go totally crazy over bad reviews of their movie, you notice how they derive self-esteem from people liking their work.

Now, obviously, as an author myself, I like it when people enjoy my writings. But I don’t write to be praised. I write to help and to get out my thoughts. Once I put out the book, I am fine. I don’t need people to like it (although it is nice).

Maybe you’re reading this and absolutely hate every word I write. That’s your problem. Not mine. I like it. That’s why I put it online.

As with the actors, they care too much about other people’s opinions on their work. They should do it for themselves because they enjoyed seeing themselves in different characters. And the actors with proper setup self-esteem are exactly like that.

Stop caring too much about what other people think of you. It doesn’t change your life anyway. Only makes you feel bad.

STEP 3: Start building something for you
This is especially a problem amongst married men (which is my main audience) but it hits a lot of people. Do something for you!

You probably dropped your hobbies at some point due to “life taking the best of me right now” or some similar excuse. Get back into doing things you enjoy, and add a component of creativity or construction to it.

Why? If you’ve built something, this is a foundation of your self-esteem. Because there is literally something you did. It exists in reality, you have something you can be proud of for achieving. It doesn’t matter what it is,
- Writing books
- Starting a business
- Reaching the desired body
- Raising proper kids
- Becoming president

Whatever you want to do, build something. On this, you can “rest” a part of your self-esteem, because there is literal evidence that you did something. And not just talked about doing stuff and then it never happened.

STEP 4: Overcome bad habits
My personal most important step. We all develop bad habits while growing up. Some more, some less.

Overcoming them boosts your self-esteem like nothing else.
Be it smoking, quitting porn, spending too much, deriving too much external validation from things.
It doesn’t matter. Start small, develop upward.

But quitting bad habits makes you realize that you are in fact capable of winning. You are better than most people who indulge in easy pleasure every day, and for this, you rightly develop the self-esteem to feel “a little bit better than most people.”

There are light bad habits and really bad ones. Like porn for example. Most men watch porn these days, and it ruins everything in your life. You can potentially ignore this whole list I am writing here, and just quit porn, this will already propel your life forward by five years minimum.

But it’s not easy, here is an article as to why it is so bad for you and how to quit it right.

STEP 5: Develop a positive self-talk
The way you talk to yourself in your thoughts shapes the outcome of your life.

This is not some woo-woo magic stuff.
If you constantly talk negatively about things, you will only see the negative things in your life.
If you talk positively about yourself and life, you will see the positive things.

Opportunities, business ideas, proper people, everything.

There is a big difference between saying, “I am never lucky with money.”
and saying, “Even in my position, there must be a way to make money.”

The second one isn’t some “I will make money no matter what” which you might believe in or not. It is just a way to phrase things in your life more positive. And it will set you up to seek for ways to make money, instead of just mourning life and how bad it is to you.

This positive self-talk will eventually make you feel better about yourself and thus heighten your self-esteem.

STEP 6: Stop comparing yourself to others
Instagram and the media are the devil.
More so for women, but men tend to fall into the same trap.

If you look in the mirror and compare yourself to the Rock and his massively built body, you will feel bad.
If you’re a woman and compare yourself to those filtered pictures on Instagram, you will feel bad and it will ruin your self-esteem.

You don’t know their story, and what they do to look like that. But even worse, it gains you nothing to compare yourself. Because situations, lives, and environments are completely different.

Instead, compare yourself only to YOU. Yesterday.

Strive to be better than yesterday each day. This way you will gain a ton of self-esteem because you see yourself grow over time.

STEP 7: Embrace death
The West has this problem of being afraid of death for some reason.

Other cultures celebrate death.
Realize, that we all die. The most successful, best looking, winner in life will eventually die, and probably be forgotten in 1,000 years. Just like you.

This puts you two on the same spot. So there really is no reason to feel bad because you have a supposedly “worse” life than him. In the end, it doesn’t matter.
We’re all just stardust.

Isn’t that depressing? No. It means you need to make the best of the life you have. You are alive, breathing, and you can live somewhat decently (I guess). Make the best of it.

If nothing matters, everything matters.
If we all die anyway, everything you do each day puts life into your life. There is no point in feeling bad about yourself.

You survive on this blue rock floating through space, being attacked by a huge fireball each day. Life is out to get you each day, but you’re still here. Bad things happen every now and then, but you’re still alive.

Embrace that.
Build your self-esteem on that.
We’re all great, especially if we build ourselves. If we are better every day.

Alexander Reich

Author's Bio: 

Alexander Reich is an entrepreneur, blogger, and life-coach who made it his mission to help men fix their marriages, mindsets, masculinity, and generally improve their life in all areas.

Hence why he created SELFCONQUERING