9 Tips For Starting A Deep Conversation With Your Spouse

What do you do if there is an obvious difference in sex drives in your relationship? You can pretend everything is okay; your partner will not realize your sexual frustration and situation will never improve. Eventually you will have to start talking with your partner in finding ways to bridge this difference in the level of interest in sex. Talking openly about your sexual desires, likes and dislikes can both improve your sex life and other aspects of your relationship. Here are a few tips to help you start working on your communication.

(1) Defining the issues

Before talking with your partner, be sure what the issues are. How much sex do you like to have? What specific behaviors, specific outcomes (e.g. having an orgasm) do you want? Do you want more intimacy, more connection or more attention paid to you?

(2) Picking the right time and locatio

Choosing a suitable time when both of you can focus on each other and on the issues you want to discuss. It is probably not a good idea to bring this up just before you are going to have sex. Location also makes a difference. Make sure you choose a place that is free of any distractions. If you bring up sex problems in bed it can hurt the mood for sex.

(3) Determine your level of sexual interest

Your interest in sex is connected to many parts of your life. It helps a lot if you can try to recall the events in your life that have influenced your interest in sex. One approach you can try is to write about your sexual history. Having a better understanding of your sexual desire can help you to define the issues better when talking with your partner.

(4) Putting your thoughts down in words

At times when we talk we may blurt out some words that hurt the feelings of our loved ones. Writing can organize your thoughts; help you to choose the words you want to say so that your tone does not sound accusing to your partner. Some people actually write their spouse a letter or an email and end up giving/sending it to them at a later point. This can be an effective way to communicate your thoughts and feelings and if done along with talking, can increase intimacy in your relationship.

(5) Exchanging views with your partner

Communicating with your partner should be“2-way traffic”. It need not be just about you telling him/her your problems. You should try to understand your partner’s views about sex. It is very important that you listen and reflect back what your partner has said. The objective of this talking should be to get rid of any miscommunication problem and mistaken assumption.

(6) Avoid putting the blame on your partner

Even if this is the fault of your partner, blaming him/her can cause your partner to get defensive and “mentally shut down” any message you are trying to get across. Use statements such as “I feel that……..” rather than “You make me feel like………”

(7) Remember that both are responsible for making sex life better

Try to cultivate a sense of teamwork between the two of you rather than being on opposite side confronting each other. The ultimate goal should be the one you want to arrive at together in the spirit of cooperation.

(8) Having a positive attitude

If you go into a conversation expecting that it will go poorly, your partner will never listen or will never change; it is much more likely to happen. Instead, go into it with the expectation that what you are going to say is productive and important and your partner can be receptive to what you have to say. If you are confident, your partner is going to hear/sense your confidence and trust what you are saying and most likely communicate more.

(9) Discussing the options

Make sure you also ask your partner if he/she has any suggestions on how you two can make changes. Talk about the options available to you. Are you both willing to try counseling or therapy? If you know there is a good book that can help you to handle these issues, will you both be committed to reading it and talking about it regularly?