Applying The Work to Her Husband's Ex

Dear Emily,

Last weekend my boyfriend went to drop his kids off early one Saturday morning at his ex's house because he had to work. When he got home, I asked him what she was wearing. (I know, I know) She's 5' 7" & about 180 pounds and has huge breasts (an attribute I'd love to have) and always seems to find a way to wear low-cut shirts. My boyfriend says he does not find her body attractive because she's big all over.

Anyway...he answered me honestly & said that she was only wearing an oversized T-shirt, which didn't even touch her knees. I asked him if it "did anything for him" & he said "no". Am I overreacting or is that inappropriate attire to wear around your ex-husband? Think she was looking for "trouble"? :

Thanks for your great advice!
- S.B., Dallas, TX

Dear S.B., Thanks for sharing your frustration and your opinion about the attire of your boyfriend's former spouse. From what you've shared, it looks like even though your boyfriend says he's not interested in his ex, you still think there's reason to be threatened by her behavior. It also appears that no matter what your boyfriend tells you, the feelings of insecurity and fears of losing him seem to overwhelm you and cause you frustration and pain, causing you to react the way you are.

I think it is great that you are questioning this situation, and I'd like to walk you through an exercise that could really free you from the pain that your thinking about her is causing you.

While the situation you wrote about was the oversized T-shirt, anything that's upsetting you could be substituted for that topic in the exercise below.

The inquiry from "The Work of Byron Katie" as an effective way to understand how the mind keeps you in pain. Take a moment to ask yourself each question, pausing and waiting for your heart answer (there are no right or wrong answers here):
# Is it true that she shouldn't wear an oversized t-shirt in front of her ex? (What's the reality?)
# Can you really know it is true that it would be better if she didn't wear such clothing in front of her ex?
# What do you get to experience when you attach to the thinking that she shouldn't do what she does?
# How do you treat your boyfriend when he tells you honestly what she was wearing?
# How do you treat yourself when you compare your body-type to hers?
# Can you see a reason to drop the story that she shouldn't wear certain clothes in front of him? (I'm not asking you to drop the story).

Can you see a reason to keep the story that is not stressful or painful? Who would you be and how would you be different if it didn't matter to you what his ex did or didn't do?

Once you've done the inquiry above, take some time to turn it around. Here are some "turn-arounds" that I could find using the statement: "His ex shouldn't wear an oversized t-shirt in front of him."

"His ex should wear an oversized t-shirt in front of him." (the exact opposite) "I shouldn't listen to my oversized/over-reacting thinking about her in front of him." "I shouldn't wear an oversized t-shirt in front of him; in front of me."

Are any of these just as true, if not more true, that the original, for you? Can you find any other "turn arounds" for yourself?

So often, our thinking focuses on what someone else is doing wrong, and we get so caught up in his or her behavior that we forget to notice what we could change about ourselves. By focusing on what someone else is doing, we allow ourselves to continue to be a victim in life, instead of being 100% responsible for our choices and ourselves.

What someone chooses to wear is entirely her business; what I choose to wear is entirely my business – regardless of what anyone else might think about my attire. When you spend time focusing on the attire/behaviors of another to this degree, you are, in a very real sense, abandoning yourself and not taking stock in the choices you need to be making towards your own happiness.

As much as you want to think that the problem lies with "the other person", you are focusing in the wrong place. What is causing you to be out of peace is your thinking, and your response to what "the other person" is doing. By allowing "the other person" to be your mirror, you get to discover where you are not at peace within yourself and start healing that within you.

Action Step: Choose a situation in your life right now where you are not at peace. Modify the questions above to reflect your situation, and then answer the questions and do the turn around honestly. These are universal principles and can be applied whenever you are not at peace.

If you want to know more about "The Work of Byron Katie", visit www.thework.com or listen to Katie doing the work with members of our community at http://www.blendedfamilyexperts.com/byron-katie/recording/ If you are stuck and cannot find this kind of peace on your own, email me emily@blended-families.com to schedule a coaching session to see how we can work with you towards a lasting sense of peace, no matter what the situation!