Cheat ... and You Cheat Yourself

Cheat … And You Cheat Yourselfnn "I know what it sounds like," she says, "but he's the love of my life."
What makes her situation so unique is the "I." And that makes everybody's situation unique, particularly in their own eyes. It's easy to look from the outside and observe that he betrayed his wife and the mother of his children, or that she cheated on her husband with their massage therapist. n On the (SET ITAL) inside (END ITAL) it doesn't feel nearly that simple. Maybe she hasn't wanted to make love with him in years. Maybe he's married to the office. Or maybe the new love is what they've longed for all their lives, without even realizing it.
Does finding the "love of your life" justify betrayal? And if he (or she) is married and you're not, are you (SET ITAL) both (END ITAL) cheating?
I remember my mom's words from when I was a young girl, "If he'd cheat on somebody else, you can be sure he'd cheat on you." That seemed reason enough to stay clear of a cheater. n Years later, life has proved to be less black and white. Can't people change? Don't they learn from their mistakes? n The answer is yes, but not until they're ready. When we truly love someone, we want to help them grow and make conscious choices. We don't want to hold them in an old pattern that doesn't serve them. … And when we love ourselves, we don't want to hang around for what doesn't serve us, either.
What we hear in private is so close to home -- so close to "I" -- that it can seem like an exception. An exception is by definition unlikely! Especially when we are emotionally involved, it's better to trust what we see than what we hear. Regret is not just verbalized; it is demonstrated. n Objectively, we know this. When a confession, inevitably accompanied by an apology, goes public, it is almost automatically suspect -- and tainted by legal action and media coverage. Generally, cheating is hushed, which makes learning from it slow. n In fai
ess, we can't confess cheating to outsiders, without invading the privacy of those involved. And, let's be honest, it's tough for somebody who has cheated to stand up and advise against it. We may not listen -- any more than we listen to somebody we can scarcely imagine having sex, let alone being lured outside of his marriage. n Thus, we may learn the hard way, from our own experience. n I don't know anybody who has cheated and not eventually regretted it. If it is a fling, you overpay for it. If it is the "love of your life," you taint it. "Love" is not something to sweep under the proverbial rug. Neither is the truth.
If you are honest with (SET ITAL) yourself (END ITAL) from the beginning, it is easier to be honest with everybody else. When you have to talk yourself into something, beware. n If you are in a marriage that justifies cheating, maybe you are also in a relationship that justifies divorce. And if you are contemplating an affair that justifies cheating, it is also worth waiting for. n Try to listen to your reasoning objectively and avoid jumping in out of fear. If he (or she) is really the love of your life, he still will be after he explains that to his wife. If he is not ready to be honest with his wife, he is not ready to be honest with you. n And if he's had three affairs and wants to have another one -- with you -- he hasn't changed yet. Join him, and -- even if you're not cheating anybody else -- you're cheating yourself.