Game-Playing Girlfriend

Hi Dr. Neder,

I read some of your articles and your advice is great. I just recently hooked up with a girl that actually picked me up at club. She really liked me a lot and for the first few weeks, I played hard to get with her. She wanted to get me settled down and kind of coerced me into a relationship. Obviously, being someone that doesn't like relationships I refused, but she tried and tried again, I finally submitted and became her boyfriend.

I truly believe, that once you're involved in a relationship the mind games stop and so I've been true to this girl and I treat her with respect and have even opened up to her. Things were good for sometime. Obviously, I began really liking her, became very nice to her and I expressed my true feelings to her, I showed her lots of affection, and I even told her I loved her. That was a BIG MISTAKE! Now, the tables have turned on me and she controls the relationship, she only calls me after I've called her, and is playing hard to get, she doesn't express herself to me, she cancels on dates and prefers staying at home.

Obviously, I care for her and I miss her, and I thought by expressing those feelings she would be friendlier, and because she is a good girl, she does become nicer the next day a few days later, it's back to her neglectful self. I think she's taken me for granted. How do I turn the table on her and assume control of the relationship. Mind you, I like her a lot now.

Thanks, any help would be appreciated.
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Hello!

I'm afraid you believe wrong. When the relationship begins, that's also when the mind-games escalate!

Early relationships are all about posturing and trying to determine exactly where each person fits. We guys aren't as strong or adamant about this, but trust me, women are!

What you're experiencing are classic symptoms of having failed "The Test". This is something that I talk about in my books, but every relationship goes through it - usually early on. As you're experiencing now, you'd better pass The Test or you've got some problems.

Obviously, I can't say what The Test was in your particular case, but if you step back and really think about this there was one pivital point at which things changed - or began to change. That was The Test. Further, it was likely not due to anything in particular and probably was "out of the blue". This is how The Test works.

What's critical now is that you do some damage control. If you don't, she's going to get very bored with you and the relationship and move on. In fact, these symptoms are signs of that already happening.

You need to pull WAY back! Stop "chasing" her. She was most happy when she was chasing you - remember? That's where she wants to be again. Now that she has you and you're gushing your feelings all over her, she feels like she's made a mistake. Women gush their feelings - not men. She probably wants to date a man again.

I suggest you stop contacting her entirely - no phone calls, stop by's, IM's, email - nothing. Get scarce for a while. When she calls you (finally!) don't pick up the phone. Give her a few days before you return the call. In short, she needs to get the feeling that she's losing you - not the other way around.

Then, when she wants to get together, be reluctant! Make HER the focus of the problem. Don't take it on yourself or apologize that things haven't been what you wanted them to be, etc. Say something like, "Well, I'm not sure you're the girl I thought you were" (she's not - right?)

By changing the focus, you're going to change the power. You're also going to change her image of you and the relationship.

Let's face it - the person that wants the relationship least (or SEEMS to want it least) is in control. That needs to be you in order to save this one.

I suggest you go to my website and learn about "The Test". Once you get this situation handled, you need to know that you're going to be Tested again - and this one, you're going to have to pass.

Best regards...
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