No Boundaries

Sacred lovemaking has no goal (you are not trying to get to orgasm) but there is a purpose—the union of the lovers. During sexual/spiritual ecstasy, the boundaries between lovers disappear. If you have secrets and barriers to protect yourself emotionally from your lover, you are blocking yourself from experiencing ecstatic union.

Time for Exercise: 15 minutes to one hour

Properties Required: none


  1. Consciously identify the secrets you keep and the emotional barriers you have erected.
  2. Make a list, including even your most guarded secrets, and put names (or descriptions) to the barriers you have entrenched around your heart. This might take days or weeks, not just a few minutes of casual thought, because these barriers must be uncovered and brought into your consciousness. Often they are stored in the deep subconscious. In fact, you might go on discovering more secrets and emotional barriers for much of your remaining life. This is normal. Just add new ones to your list whenever you discover them. Most important is to take action to remove barriers when you identify them. Identifying barriers means describing them to yourself, for example: “Whenever I receive a compliment from my lover, I get shy and embarrassed and deny the truth of the compliment.” Or, “When my partner wants to try some new sexual experiment, I say no and suggest something is wrong with him for proposing it.”
  3. You remove the distance secrets cause by sharing that secret with your lover. You knock down your barricades by altering the protective or dysfunctional behavior associated with it. In the example above, instead of denying the compliment, you simply say, “Thank you.” Instead of saying no a sexual experiment, you say yes (despite your emotional discomfort), and you avoid criticizing your lover.


    You will discover that your secrets and barriers do not really protect you. Instead, they lock you in a self-constructed cage that you carry with you everywhere. Keeping secrets and erecting emotional barriers are misguided attempts to control your life, because life inside this cage is lonely and alienated. However, the door of the cage is open. You can actually walk out of jail, into the light and love that is your birthright, any time you choose. You don’t have to learn anything new. You dismantle old barriers—let your love out and your lover in. Revealing your secrets is an example of surrendering to your lover by making yourself emotionally vulnerable and transparent.

    Excerpted from our new book Sensual Love Secrets for Couples: The Four Freedoms of Body, Mind, Heart and Soul, by Al Link and Pala Copeland, Llewellyn, 2007

Author's Bio: 

Al Link and Pala Copeland own and operate 4 Freedoms Relationship Tantra. They regularly host lover’s romantic weekends near Ottawa Canada, and weeklong retreats in exotic locations. For more information call toll free from Canada or USA: 1-800-684-5308 International long distance: 1-819-689-5308. Visit their websites, and their blog or send email: They have four books published including Soul Sex: Tantra for Two, New Page, 2003; The Complete Idiot's Guide to Supercharged Kama Sutra, Penguin, 2007; Sensual Love Secrets for Couples: The Four Freedoms Body, Heart, Mind and Soul, Llewellyn 2007; Tantra Step by Step: 28 Days to Ecstasy, Llewellyn 2007.