"FORE"giveness

“FORE”giveness
An ephiphany about relationships at Hole #7

I had just walked away from a clearly one-sided relationship in which I was ready for a commitment, and my partner wasn’t.. We had been off and on and I had tried and tried. He was younger than I, and didn’t want a commitment. The only thing he was committed to was snowboarding and partying.

Anyway, we had just broken up and I was angry. I was angry with myself for releasing my heart to the care of someone who didn’t want it. I was angry with him for not being ready for a commitment. I oscillated between blaming myself and then blaming him for the demise of the relationship. Yet, neither solution made me feel any better.

I needed to get away, to NOT think about the relationship, so I decided to go golfing. The golf courses in Northern California are beautiful; the rolling greens, the redwoods, the coast. I knew it would soothe my soul. The calmness, the beautiful landscape and the meditative concentration required of the sport of golf, would serve as my escape from reality.

I remember teeing off. I focused my entire concentration on the ball and visualized exactly where I wanted the ball to land. I was at that place of complete focus when all of the sudden a loud yell broke my concentration. A nearby golfer yelled, “FORE…”

I dropped my club and covered my head, while cautiously looking for the flying golf ball. It miraculously landed about ten feet away from me, leaving me unharmed.

Then it hit me. Not the golf ball, but the parallels between this golf experience and relationships.

I realized that because I was a golfer, I knew that “FORE” meant to “beware of a flying golf ball;” therefore my actions and subsequent behavior were appropriate. But I also remembered that the first time I was out on the golf course, I had no idea what the word “FORE” meant.

At that time, if someone had yelled FORE, I would have just stood there; an open target for a soaring golf ball.

That’s when I realized that most mistakes or accidents occur because of our innocence--from not knowing the rules of the game. And, that when we’re playing in unfamiliar territory our behavior matches our skill level. Our results, whether it is a broken heart or a welt on your head from a flying golf ball, depend on our familiarity with the “game” of love or of golf.

At the time, I didn’t know any better. I just knew I had feelings for this person and I acted on them. He didn’t know any better either. He was young and unsure what he wanted out of life. We both behaved innocently. We both just didn’t know the rules of the game completely.

I found it much easier to forgive myself or to stop bashing myself, once I realized that I did the best I could, and that I just didn’t know all the rules of the game of “love.” Just like at one time I didn’t know the rules of golf.

I also felt better looking at him as an innocent bystander who got hit by a golf ball because he didn’t know the rules of the “game.”

It occurred to me that we all are doing are best with the knowledge that we have at the time.

To me, this is what forgiveness is; realizing our innocence, affirming the other person’s innocence, and then moving on.

Forgiveness really is a gift we give to ourselves. I’ve heard it said that NOT forgiving someone is like “drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.”

Not forgiving someone is like a poison circulating through your bloodstream. It affects you, and not the other person.

Forgiveness is a way of loving ourselves and loving the other person. Now does forgiveness mean you should be with that person that harmed you? People often ask this. No, but you can still lovingly release them.

“How do I know when I’ve forgiven someone?” is another question people ask. You have forgiven someone completely when you can think of that person or run into that person and not have a REACTION.

If you are still feeling animosity, pressure, or tension than you still need to do more forgiveness work. When you can see them or think of them, and just lovingly release them, you have forgiven.

Again, my way to forgive someone was to acknowledge that he (or she) did the best he (or she) knew how to do at the time. Plain and simple. We may not know or understand why someone did “such and such” act, and often we are not meant to know or meant to figure it out. There can be many reasons: past programming, abusive childhoods, lack of self esteem, etc. The reasons do not matter. The grace to forgive and to love someone unconditionally, in spite of, is what matters.

Copyright 2003 by Lisa Hepner
www.lisahepner.com
lisa@lisahepner.com