Letting Go or Holding on to Love

Question:

I have a question about letting go and holding on. I recently ended a relationship with someone who I care dearly about. There is no doubt that my love for this woman is clear to the both of us. During our relationship I learned that this woman has difficulty expressing her love and appreciation. This was something she had admitted to me, and we have discussed it and it was decided that I was teaching her, how to love. I do believe that my true self had accepted her for who she was, as I believed that her true or higher self did love me enough even though she has had time being the loving person that she wants to be.

Over time towards the end of our relationship I believe that I lost touch with my higher self. I was learning more about love and my feelings and I was slowly breaking away from listening to my ego and instead I found my self listening to her. She was a very demanding lover. She knew how much I loved her and held me to that standard at all times, and expected me to be a loving man in perfect ways always. This was mounting pressure on me. I eventually found my self in fear, being afraid that I would let her down and that she would leave me. I had lost my ego catering to her, I felt I had depended on my ego previously to give me what I now know was false courage to deal with being in this type position of vulnerability.

Recently an issue accrued between us that made me very afraid and I had let fear over run my love and my ego came back with a vengeance, my ego told me that I was not receiving what I deserved, that my love for her was greater than her love for me. I felt used and abused and neglected. I felt like she had taken advantage of my kindness. I expressed all this to her in as we verbally fought and I now that emotionally hurt her. And because she has had a problem with showing her love, during and after this fight, she still could not show me her higher self that I had fallen in love with, she could not re-assure me in any way that she indeed was in love with me and faithful to our expectations of each other. She left and our relationship ended the next day after the fight.

Since then, I have been doing some real deep soul searching and I have found out so much thanks to your website and books. I wish I could take back what I had said to her, but I know I can’t. When I have spoken with her she seems very confused sad and lost. She has told me she doesn’t know if she will come back to me or not. She is afraid that I could hurt her again. She knows that I had resentment for her and doesn’t know why I let this build up. She told me that I ruined what we had and I have accepted the responsibility for all this. I don’t believe she has forgiven me. I have forgiven my self and her. I would really like to repair our relationship but it seems that she is not ready.

So what I have done during this is I’ve been trying to detach my self from the desire that I have to love her like I really do. With no control of what she might do, I feel like letting go is the only way to heal my heartache. Inside I feel like she will, one day return to me but I know that I must not wait for her because that may only hinder my growth from this experience, if she was not to return to me.

So my issue is that I’m trying to let go, but Im still feel like holding on and expressing my love to her. I have addressed my issue that I have with fear and I have written down the lessons that I have learned from all this so that I can do my best to not repeat the same mistakes. Spiritually I feel like I’m holding on because I truly believe that our love connection and experience with each other was a spiritually one. Also during my healing process, I have wondered if perhaps my feelings of not being satisfied were valid, because of her inability to show her love and appreciation to me the way that I expect. Or maybe she is not something that I need in my life right now. With her being able to admit to me that she has this issue, should I have been or should I be more understanding and compassionate to her like I was previously before I had allowed fear to interfere with my love for her?

In the midst of this break up and I am still reaching out to her and to let her know that I am here for her, but it doesn’t appear to be effective as she is now very depressed, jobless and homeless since she has left our home. Is there anything that you can recommend about trying to help someone who has a hard time displaying their love and appreciation for another person?

Answer:

I can see that this situation is emotionally difficult for you right now. I’m concerned you may be making it more confusing than it needs to be by trying to understand it through a psycho-spiritual filter. The basic issue is that you broke up with someone you love, and you don’t know if she will come back. This has precipitated a productive period of reflection, insight and growth for you. However, instead of trying to figure out whether you should be more detached or hold on in hope, I would suggest you simply hold on to that space of love within you. I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to try to be detached about love. But if you can simply be that simple pure love in your heart, without a particular story of how the love has to be expressed or through whom or when, then you will grow both emotionally and spiritually from the relationship regardless of what she decides.

While your particular relationship with her is unique based on your own backgrounds and goals, still the difficulty of two individuals finding a balance between fulfilling their individual needs and their partners’ needs is universal. The more one sees a conflict and mutual exclusion between these two needs, the more painful, fearful and confusing the relationship is. The more you find personal fulfillment in the happiness and fulfillment of your partner, the easier and more joyful the relationship is.

Your girlfriend is afraid of being hurt again. The truth is that she will be hurt again, either by you or by someone else or by herself, until she outgrows her susceptibility to being hurt. It’s perfectly okay to go through painful periods of a relationship if you are maturing and growing in love through it. A beautiful and strong union of two souls is not a small thing and doesn’t just happen by itself. It is a profound endeavor and not for the faint of heart. So hold a space of love for her in your heart that allows her to choose whatever path is right for her. This way you can also continue to grow in love and allow whatever expressions of love that might mean for you too at the same time.

Love,
Deepak