Hey Doc Love,

I'm a college student who considers himself a "nice guy," and I've been seeing a girl for about two months now. We started out as friends, but I actually wanted more (though I was afraid to tell her so). Luckily, she made the first move and kissed me.

We both successfully got past saying "I love you" to each other for the first time, but soon after we got physically involved, things got awkward. Fortunately, there was a school break coming up, so we had time to think things over.

The night after we got back from vacation, she called me to say "We need to talk." When she got to my dorm, she told me that she thought we were getting "too close" emotionally and physically, and that she was getting "scared." Then she told me that during the break, her friend Nick had kissed her and that she had kissed him back.

This guy, Nick, used to date one of her roommates, and I never trusted him because of the way he treated his ex-girlfriend. At the time, I vocalized this strongly to my girlfriend, but she said I was being possessive so I immediately backed off. Now, I found out my misgivings were warranted.

Her news got me very upset and I let her know how much it hurt me. She tried to assure me with: "The whole time I was thinking about you? and "I'll never see him again" But at that point, I wasn't listening to a word she said because I was so enraged.

Later, while we were making out, she said "You're so much better than Nick" and "He doesn't kiss like you at all." This was definitely not what I wanted to hear, so I gave her a look of death - which made her upset, so she started to leave. I stopped her and told her that it just bothered me when she talked about how another guy kisses. She said she understood, and that eventually we would work things out and that we should think about our relationship over the next few days.

Now comes my dilemma. Should I trust her? Is she having second thoughts about us because of Nick? I really love this girl and I want to be with her, but I'm so bothered by what she did. I'm just feeling really insecure right now and I'm unsure of what to do.

Please help.

Thanks,

Kevin - who wants to know if he's being too uptight

Hi Kevin,

It's always a bad sign when a woman starts the conversation with "We need to talk" - for a single guy, this is almost as bad as "I'm pregnant"!

Kevin, your girl's not having "second thoughts" about the relationship - she already made her decision. Your problem can be stated in four words: "She kissed him back."

It was bad enough that your girl kissed another guy - but thinking that you would believe she was "thinking about you" the whole time his tongue was down her throat was truly nuts! I know a lot of women in our culture hug their men friends, but kissing cannot be done so casually. Part of your anger, Kevin, comes from your inability to comprehend her lack of empathy for you - and the low opinion she has of your intelligence. The question to ask yourself now is: could this situation have been prevented?

In the early days, when you first became aware of your girlfriend's suspicious relationship with another guy, you had a great opportunity to exercise your self-control and find out how much she really cared about you. Instead of putting her "friend" down and appearing weak, this was the perfect time to stay silent, smile - and go out with other women! Then, when she called you on the carpet for dishonoring the relationship, you could have told her that they were only "friends"!

If your girlfriend had sufficient Interest Level in you, she would have proposed new rules about spending time with friends at this point. Just think of it: she tells the bird dog to take a hike and believes it's her idea - and you don't even have to say a word! How great is that? (Really great - but make sure that her new rules are reasonable and bilateral!)

In spite of this missed opportunity, Kevin, you were still able to find out some good information about your girlfriend. You discovered that she's more interested in attacking you for your perceptions than in giving up her other boy toys - so much for caring and loyalty!

Kevin, allow me to make sense out of the other bits of Womanese that your girl threw at you. First, it is possible for a woman to get "too close emotionally and physically" with a man - but only when she has low Interest Level (your girl made quite an admission!). Second, taking time to "think about the relationship" only gives a woman time to research the most convenient ways for her to dump a guy (so why stick around?). Third, after a relationship has been destroyed by disloyalty, there's nothing left to "work out." Get the idea, Kevin?

Your girlfriend's promises to never again see the other guy don't address why she spent so much time in his dorm room to begin with when she already had a boyfriend - you! In answer to your question, Kevin: you can only trust high Interest Level and integrity - this girl has neither.

I know you are angry, Kevin, but at this point, the best use of your energy is to figure out what weakness within you impelled you to put your lips on this girl again after she broke your trust. You need to stop trying to be a "nice guy" and start cultivating some self-respect.

Well, at least you did do one thing correctly with this girl: you didn't chase her when you first met her. Though you were motivated by fear rather than confidence - your hesitation made her think you were "playing it cool" which drove her crazy! This demonstrates that Challenge works, even when you are sweating bullets inside!

Guys, when your feelings prevent you from seeing Miss Right's faults, only The "System" can cure your blindness. Experiment with this elixir of relationships, and you too can become Love Doctors - without having to spend years in Med School!

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Author's Bio: 

E-mail me at doclove@doclove.com with your love challenges. All letters will be answered, but because of space, only those of general interest will be printed. To find out more about The "System" visit me at: www.doclove.com or (800) 404-2644.

Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"