How often do we think our problems are caused by others. “If I could only stop them from acting that way, everything would be fine.”

At times, it’s easy to put our attention on changing others, rather than looking within to see what the other person triggered in us. Or, what in us has attracted this person/situation that keeps bothering us. (Perhaps life is trying to get our attention, so we can discover something about ourselves.)

We might say, “If my wife wouldn’t criticize me, I wouldn’t be so angry.” “If my father stopped asking me to bail him out, I wouldn’t be so resentful.” Such thoughts point to inner conflict, regardless of how inappropriate the other person is behaving.


Judy knew she needed to change the negative pattern she had with her sister. Ostensibly, Judy thought the problem was about her sister’s poor health and overweight condition. In her concern, Judy would give her sister “suggestions” on how she should eat better.

We all want to help the ones we love, sometimes even if they don’t want our help. Although Judy did care about her sister’s health and the consequences of her poor eating habits, there was more going on within Judy herself. The real issue for Judy, the only one she could change, was her controlling attitude toward her sister.

Judy felt frustrated about her sister’s eating habits. Phillip did a round of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) on that emotion, which then revealed a hidden fear: Judy was afraid that her sister’s life would end prematurely due to her unhealthy ways.

They then did some EFT using the following two affirmations:

1) “Even though I don’t want to give up influencing my sister, I love and accept myself and know I have many options available.”

2) “I really want to get over this fear that if I let go of my control of her, she’ll get worse.”

After a few rounds of tapping on the acupressure points, a wave of sadness and tears overcame Judy. She felt how deeply she loved her sister. Another round of EFT soulfully transformed her sadness into a deep compassion for her sister. Judy realized, “It’s her life, and I can’t control it. I can just be there for her.” Judy suddenly felt much closer to her sister.


Two months after this session, Phillip spoke with Judy. She again expressed how helpful the session had been. She reported that her anxiety and anger toward her sister had vanished.

Since Judy’s session, her sister was hospitalized when she had trouble breathing. Fortunately, she came out of the hospital alright. Judy noted that she had no anxiety about this incident, which was far different than the way she used to react. She now related to her sister from a more neutral, unconditionally loving place.


It’s healthy to help others in appropriate ways, provided they want our help. We transgress, though, when we help others who don’t want our help. As seen with Judy, the problem is not out there, with another’s behavior. Instead, the problem starts within, from our own inner turmoil which leads to controlling others or being controlled by them. So instead of getting closer to those we want to help, we push them farther away.

For more information see our Getting Thru to Your Soul book, we discuss and diagram The Seven Levels of Relationship. For information on EFT, see our Getting Thru to Your Emotions with EFT book and videos (

In truth, control must be self-control: we can control our thoughts, feelings and actions. By using EFT and Spiritual Kinesiology to transform our patterns, turning judgment into love, we then become examples to others, which is the best way we can help someone else.

Author's Bio: 

Phillip Mountrose is a Spiritual Counselors and Holistic Hypnotherapist. With his wife Jane, he directs Awakenings Institute in San Luis Obispo, CA. For more information about phone consultations, subscribing to the free ezine “Soul News,” and Home-Study Spiritual Counselor and Holistic Healing Certification Courses visit or call 805-489-9315.