How do I attract a woman for a relationship?

During high school I tried to ask out 5 different girls over 5 years. I thought I was in love with each of them and told them this, but was turned down each time with a corresponding blow to my self-confidence. I finally just gave up on finding a girl. For quite some time I didn’t talk to any new girls at all – only friends of mine.

I’ m now 22 and still have next to no confidence. I can’t even go out to a bar with friends or anywhere public to have a bit of fun. I’m not particularly good looking, (I’m quite tall and skinny looking, not muscular, and certainly not your “James Bond” type either.)

I also lack a lot of confidence in sex. Actually, I’m pretty freaked out it! Obviously, the male side of me wants sex, but I’m scared shitless about actually have it. I’m most worried about a pregnancy and getting STDs. I also am afraid of being able to do all the stuff I have read (I have already made myself think I should be able to do a lot of this stuff first time and I think I will fail at that) and the last fear is finishing way to soon.

As you can see I’m quite a confused and worried 22 year old that really just wants to find that special someone.

Thanks for any help!

[Note: this is a necessarily long letter, but your question is broad. I hope you read it all the way through with an open mind that seeks to change and grow.]

You've obviously spent a great deal of time freaking yourself out rather than doing what you should be doing - studying. More on this in a moment.

You have a large number of mistaken beliefs that are helping to hold you back. Ultimately, you expect to fail so you set everything up against yourself so that you do. In effect, you've spent your entire adult life stacking the entire deck against yourself. Now you have nothing but a large, up-hill battle. You've got to stop doing this to yourself in order to begin getting it solved.

Let’s look at each issue by itself:

1) You never get to “own” confidence, you only get to borrow it.

When I get a letter (daily!) from a guy that lacks confidence, I explain to him that it's not confidence that he lacks but education. Consider this: if you really knew how this game was played; if you knew which women to approach, what to say, how to hold a conversation, how to build rapport and connection and how to ask for a number, do you really think that you'd lack confidence? Of course not! You are "confident" in that which you know well. It's that simple.

However, in your case, not only do you set yourself up to fail by not having learned this game, you also create an expectation of failure. In other words, you expect to fail and therefore you do. Worse yet, this expectation prevents you from even trying. This comes from one source: an undisciplined mind. You allow yourself the luxury of imagining your own failure rather than to force yourself to imagine only success.

This is where most people would tell you to get over that and move on. I'm not going to waste either of our valuable time with such nonsense. Instead, I'm going to give you some tools you can put into practice right now to start getting healed. Yes, you have to get over this, but you’ll do it by retraining your mind to think how you want it to.

First, why is this important? Here’s why: you know that you can make yourself sick by thinking about it, right? Do you know that you can also make yourself well? You can.

Think of your mind something like a balance scale where you put weights on either side. The side with the most weight will tilt down. Up until now, you’ve been putting all of your “weight” on the negative side by loading it up with not only wrong, but dangerous beliefs! You’ve got to change that around. The great thing is that all you need is 1% more weight on the positive side to get things going. Once you add that weight there, you’re going to see the balance start to tip. Don’t rush over to add more to the negative side however! It’s this very action that causes you to have the beliefs you have, and it’s the very thing you have to force yourself to stop.

To stop this, I suggest you get a strong rubber band. Carry it with you wherever you go and never be without it. Any time you start in with the negative beliefs such as saying to yourself that you’re “afraid of sex” or that you “fail with women” or any such negative idea whatsoever, I want you to take that rubber band, stretch it back against the front of your thigh and give yourself a good pop with it!

Let this sting for a moment, but before you rub it, “correct” your thinking by imagining the exact opposite of the negative thought. For instance, if you said to yourself (even “accidentally”), “I’m a failure with women.” Then pop yourself with that rubber band and then say, “I’m a success with women.” Add a mental image to it as well and really feel that success. Finally rub that sting on your thigh until it eases.

This is going to seem silly at first, but what you’re actually doing is retraining your mind with both punishment for holding the wrong ideas (the pain in your thigh) and reward for the right ideas (relieving the pain). This is a powerful and direct system that will quickly change a lifetime of wrong-headed thinking into right-headed thinking.

You should do this with every problem you’ve written to me about including the wrong ideas about sex.

2) Sex isn’t going to be a problem for you.

In fact, most people don't get someone pregnant and don't get STD's. While the media would have you believe otherwise, getting pregnant or contracting an STD is extremely rare if you use protection; i.e. a condom. The other benefit of condoms is that they actually help you to last longer in bed! In effect, you're solving 3 problems with one solution - not bad, eh?

Trust me on this one (for now): the first time you have sex, (and you WILL have sex), is going to be far different than you imagine it will be. Thus, you can't predict any outcomes accept one: you'll no longer be a virgin. It's that simple. Allowing yourself the luxury of imaging anything negative about it is a total waste of your time because you can’t imagine its reality. If you really want to imagine it, spend your time thinking positive thoughts instead (use the rubber band trick as before) and get educated about the realities of sex.

Here are just a few of them: yes, sex can cause babies, but if you’re using protection, the likelihood is so low as to be all but impossible. Sex can transmit STD’s, but while the fear-mongers want you to believe that every 1 in 2 people has an STD, it’s just not the case. You don’t need to focus on these issues because they aren’t going to be a problem for you since you’ll use protection each and every time. Yes, there are risks, but your fear of them is both irrational and unfounded.

3) You’re not “failing” with women.

In fact, you’re succeeding by actually learning what doesn’t work! You may have heard the story of Edison’s attempt to invent the light bulb: he tried 10,000 different materials before he finally hit on the one that was successful. When a reporter asked him how he could fail 10,000 times, he replied that he hadn’t “failed” at all. He “discovered” 10,000 ways that didn’t work.

It’s the same with you. You’ve already found 5 ways of asking women out that don’t work. What you need is a short-cut so that you don’t have to go through another 9,995 things to discover the 1 way that does work. This is where your education comes into play.

4) Your looks have nothing to do with your success.

Most guys want to impose their own beliefs on women. We guys often think that since we’re “look-focused” that women are too. That’s not the case. How you look isn’t important. How you act IS important. You’re going to learn how to act.

Now that we’ve dealt with a number of your issues, let’s deal with moving forward. You need to do the things I’ve told you in this letter but you have to do the most important thing right along with them: get educated.

We humans are very complicated creatures and our courtship rituals are equally complicated. The good news is that they are simply a game with well-defined rules. You just don’t know the rules! Don’t you think it’s time you learned them? I sure do!

Go to my website and get started ( There are a ton of resources there that will help you with every aspect of this game. You’ll find books, CD’s, DVD’s, articles and even a very active discussion group – all dedicated to getting your mind focused on your goal – and winning it.

Braden, this isn’t going to be solved via one email. You need some real work, but I can’t think of a better time to get started on this. If you do these things for yourself, you’re going to start enjoying the success you deserve with women; and trust me – you DO deserve it!

Best regards...
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: Check out the discussion group at:

Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

Author's Bio: 

Dr. Neder is known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, dealing with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man's perspective. Having written 3 books ("Being a Man in a Woman's World™" series) and is working on others, hundreds of articles, been on hundreds of radio and TV shows, he is funny, direct and intuitive.

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