The Cause of Unhappiness

Is something disturbing, bothering, irritating, or annoying you? If so, what is troubling you? Is it a boss that is too demanding, a coworker that is too careless, or your children that are too noisy? Does the lack of civility, the increase in crime, or the apathy of young people upset you? Perhaps it is poor health, little money, or no respect that is making you depressed. With so many problems swirling around us, is the prospect of happiness a mere dream, an unattainable goal?

Did you ever learn that unhappiness is not caused by what happens to us but by how we interpret what happens to us? After all, in the last 50 years, brilliant thinkers have been hammering home this important point. Over and over again, Dr. Albert Ellis (Founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy), Dr. Aaron Beck (Founder of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and their followers have been proselytizing this truth.

It wasn’t until recently that so much attention has been focused on the fact that unhappiness is caused by our attitude, not outside events. Yet, this teaching is hardly new, for Epictetus (55 ~ 135) taught that “Men are disturbed not by things but by the views which they take of them.” Similarly, Marcus Aurelius (121 ~ 180) taught, “If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now.”

What is Marcus Aurelius telling us? Simply this: the true cause of our unhappiness is the decision we have made to blame others for it. This tactic of avoiding responsibility is self-defeating because it leads to a dead end; that is, we remain stuck, with no solution in sight. It is only after accepting responsibility that we can begin to analyze the causes of our behavior and look for ways to improve it.

If we already know that it is not the world but our opinions of it that cause our constant complaints, why do we continue to rob ourselves of happiness? One reason is that we fail to apply what we learn. Another reason for remaining mired in misery is force of habit. The good news is that we can break bad habits and return to the path of happiness.

1. Grapple with Epictetus’ and Marcus Aurelius’ teachings until you clearly understand them. Say to yourself, “People and events do not make me upset. Rather, I choose to make myself upset.”

2. Become aware of your attempts to blame others for your discontent. Carry a small notebook with you. During the day, jot down examples of how you have falsely blamed circumstances and others for getting upset. Try to record at least three examples each day.

3. Set aside some time during the day to review your notes and correct your faulty thinking by assigning responsibility to yourself, uncovering the reasons you feel as you do, and reviewing your choices.

Example 1

“When I boarded the crowded bus on my way to work, I looked for an empty seat. I came to a spot where one man took two seats. He sat on one seat and placed his bag on another. Even though I was standing right by him, he did not remove his bag from the seat. He made me very angry.”

The first step is to rephrase the sentence to make it truthful. Instead of thinking, “He made me angry,” change it to, “I made myself angry (or I chose to become angry).” Now that you have shifted the responsibility to yourself, you can continue by analyzing your thoughts to uncover the cause of your anger.

For example, you may have thought, “That man should have been considerate. It upsets me when people are inconsiderate.” However, if you choose to become upset whenever the world doesn’t behave as you think it should, you are condemning yourself to unending misery as every day, you will meet situations that are contrary to the way you think they should be.

Instead of focusing on how things should be, why not focus on how things could be? Begin by understanding that everything happens for a reason. Every discomfort we experience is an opportunity to grow stronger and happier. Returning to the thoughtless bus passenger, what are some of the actions we could take?

1. We can practice being nonjudgmental. Perhaps the bus passenger was impolite because he was so engrossed in the book he was reading that he was unaware of your presence.

2. We can practice acceptance. When you learn how to accept things as they are by letting go of demands and expectations, you experience peace of mind.

3. We can practice patience. Perhaps the gentleman would have gotten up in a stop or two.

4. We can practice assertiveness. Without expressing anger, we can politely say, “Excuse me, I’d like to sit down.”

Example 2

“Laura really hurt me when she ignored me at the party.”

First, assign responsibility to yourself by changing the sentence to, “I chose to feel hurt when Laura ignored me.” Next, try to uncover the cause of your feelings. For example, ask yourself, “Why do I have these feelings? Am I insecure? Do I feel worthless unless someone gives me attention?” Finally, what are some of your options?

1. You could attend an assertiveness course or study Nathaniel Branden’s definitive book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.

2. You could practice generosity of thought by giving Laura the benefit of the doubt; that is, you could say to yourself, “She’s so busy, she probably didn’t see me come in. You can’t ignore someone you don’t see!”

3. You could practice acting maturely by taking the lead and greeting her, instead of waiting for her to greet you.

4. You could practice courage by trying to meet new people at the party.

5. You could practice compassion by introducing yourself to lonely or shy people at the party.

By now, it should be clear that no one makes us upset. Rather, we choose to feel that way, but it is not in our interest to relinquish our happiness or to deny ourselves opportunities to grow stronger and happier. To turn things around, all we have to do is to become aware of how we blame others for our unhappiness, rephrasing our thoughts so that we assume responsibility. Then, we need to uncover the reasons why we feel the way we do and, finally, change for the better by acting on one or more of the positive options that are available to us. It may involve a little work to adopt this new habit, but don’t you think your happiness is worth it?

** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways.html