The Etiquette Of Sympathy

When a colleague, a coworker or a business associate loses a family member, do you find it difficult to offer your sympathy? Do you worry that you will use the wrong words or that you will intrude on the other person’s grief? As a result, how often have you ended up not doing or saying anything and later regretting it?

When someone you know suffers a loss, the kindest thing you can do is to acknowledge what has happened and show that you care. It is just as important to show your sorrow in a business relationship as it is in a personal one. Don’t withhold your support because you are uncomfortable. It’s not about you.

When you go in person to visit the family, don’t be afraid to mention the deceased person’s name. In spite of what you may think, this doesn’t make people feel any worse.

Acknowledge all the family members and speak to them, not just the ones you know. No one should have to guess who you are and what your connection is to their loss. Be prepared to introduce yourself and explain your relation to the deceased.

Share your memories with the family. This is a time when people need to hear stories about the person they have just lost. Laughter and happy stories are healing and are in no way disrespectful to anyone.

It is not unusual to go the funeral or visitation when you did not know the person who died. You are going for your colleague or friend, the survivor, who is suffering.

Be prepared to listen. The bereaved person may need to share feelings that don’t require lengthy verbal responses from you, just an available ear and a sympathetic nod. It’s all right to say, “How are you feeling?” When you do, be sure you allow for the answer.

Attend the service if you can, no matter what is on your schedule. It is comforting for family to see the people who care about their loss.

Write a note of condolence even if you attend the service. People will hang on to those written expressions of sorrow for a long time as way of extending the memory.

Whatever you do, don’t send your sympathy via e-mail unless you are in Outer Mongolia and that is your only option. Electronic mail lacks the personal touch that this time deserves.

Offer to help in whatever way you can in order to leave the family free to grieve. The most mundane chores like walking the dog can be a tremendous help.

Once the funeral is over, stay in touch. Reaching out as time goes by can be more meaningful than your initial response to the loss.

Part of building good business relationships with people can be sharing the saddest of times. If you know what is expected, you will be more confident and more likely to do what serves others best.

© Lydia Ramsey. All rights reserved.