The Key to Staying Connected to Family and Friends

When we’re stressed, women release the hormone oxytocin, according to Dr. Laura Cousin Klein, Assistant Professor of Bio-behavioral Health at Penn State University. This hormone encourages us to “tend and befriend” rather than reacting as men do, by “fight or flight.” It’s simply written in women’s genetic codes that we turn towards family and friends when we’re under pressure. Finding community makes us feel more powerful. Connecting with friends and family re-sets our inner equilibrium. Your own extended family is usually a natural ally, and for some it’s the first place we turn. But often family members live far away, or carry complex emotional baggage that makes it hard to rely on them as you might rely on friends. If they’re at different stages of their lives, they may not always be able to relate to your concerns. Ideally, we’d all take advantage of the insights our parents, in-laws and siblings could offer us, without being too sensitive to implied criticisms or different outlooks. Women we talked to in researching our book identified the following as the most important unwritten rules of staying close to family and friends:

• Do What You Can: Although it’s important to reciprocate as much as you can, it doesn’t have to be tit-for-tatnn
• Listen and Talk: Take the time to really hear what someone is sayingnn
• Humility’s the Way to Go: Occasionally admitting to vulnerabilities in yourself/your family is a must!
• Hospitality is Key: Make sure to open your home to kids and friends from time to time. Most people love to be invited over, and don’t care if the house is spotless or if you’ve cooked a gourmet meal. Hot dogs on the grill, a big pot of pasta, or a quick salad will fit more than the bill... it’s the camaraderie in a comfortable setting that counts.
• Be Proactive: Don’t wait till a friend needs you to be there for them. Call, write or say hi often.
• Air Grievances Face to Face: Being forthright helps avoid resentments—if you’re having problems with someone, it’s best to deal with them gently but directly. And always bear in mind when chatting with other friends that it’s kind to keep complaints about others to yourself.