The Politics of Dating

The Politics Of Datingn"Those marriages generally abound most with love and constancy that are preceded by a long courtship." Joseph Addisonn Whether you are single, widowed, divorced or about to be, pursuing love can be more fruitful when you are open to the many exciting opportunities it offers. In our society people date for two reasons: Either you are looking for love or you are seeking companionship or sex. If you are interested in finding a partner, think of dating as an opportunity to spend time with someone that kindles your hope for finding you soul-mate, where joint activities are enjoyable. Think of yourself as interviewing for the most important opening in your life – a partner. It's a time to gain new knowledge, experiment with new activities, have fun and learn more about who you are. What sort of people do you truly respect? What sort of people enhance the quality of your life? What do you want from a relationship, and what is fair to expect from it? How do you drop a person you are dating when you discover s/he’s Mr./Ms. Wrong? My advice is to enjoy the process, focus on having a good time, and in time the prize will present itself. In order to assist you in deciding what your goal is – what kind of partner you are seeking I recommend that you first need to be truthful with yourself about where you find yourself in the present, right now. The future cannot occur in a vacuum, without a firm acceptance of the present state you are in. For example, if you wished to travel to Duluth, Minnesota you would get lost without first knowing your starting point. Because from San Jose, Califo ia the direction to Duluth is east, whereas, you would travel west coming from Washington, D.C. So only when you know where you are, will you be able to get to where you wish to go. n Chances are pretty good that you are already doing some of the very things that will help reach your goal of getting married and staying married. I would like to suggest that your ability to expand on these existing, and perhaps hidden, inner resources requires that you be aware of what they are. The following "I AM..." exercise will reveal to you exactly what your present status is in life, and in love. n The THE "I AM" FOR SELF-DISCOVERY task consists of repeatedly completing this phrase for about 10-15 minutes without stopping. Please begin by finding an uninterrupted, quiet time and place. Take a blank sheet of paper and pen. Sit for a few minutes without writing, taking some deep, relaxing breaths, clearing your mind of any extraneous thoughts or feelings. Let your body be loose. When you are ready you can begin. Just let your mind follow as your hand leads you through your unconscious mind as you write, over and over again, I am...I am... I am... and let the words come to describe yourself. Natalie Gould, self-described loser at 34, felt that she had to make some changes in her dealings with men, and surprised herself with these self-revealing results. I am my mother's daughter I am a talented interior designer I am scared that I'll never get married and will disappoint MommynI am upset that I let my mother run my life I am a little girl inside I am a beautiful, desirable woma I am not so confident about being a beautiful, desirable woma I am basically shy around men who interest me I am attracted to powerful, gorgeous men who abuse me I am afraid I'm never going to be with someone that I want to be n with I am more secure with men who are less desirable I am most comfortable with men who other women would reject I am more comfortable when men pursue me I am someone who ends up with men I can't truly respect I am disgusted with my choice of me I am frustrated with the types of relationships I end up with I am usually someone who gets attached to men who aren't good for n me I am getting depressed I am not all bad I am confident about my skills as a communicator I am friendly, warm and have many good friends I am confident about my ability to make money I am scared about spending too much I am a woman who soothes herself with shopping I am a shopaholic I am going to mend my ways and take control of my spending I am proud of myself when I can shop discount I am embarrassed about my materialistic orientatio I am someone who appreciates art I am closest to god when I am at the ocea I am someone who enjoys sailing I am a woman who loves hot weather and hot me I am afraid of getting married and getting stuck I am afraid of giving too much and getting lost I am a woman who perhaps could be alone forever I am afraid that marriage will obliterate my autonomy I am frightened that marriage will compromise my values I am sexually frustrated I am worried that exciting men create anxiety for me I am giving myself permission to masturbate more ofte I am at my best when my body when is lean and tight I am most happy when I am working out I am proud of myself when I can stand up to my parents Once Natalie witnessed the wisdom and insight of her unconscious mind, she gained clarity and appreciation about the many assets she possessed, as well as identifying the work she still needed to accomplish. Her strengths which had previously gone unrecognized, were impressive. n In order to succeed in making changes we need to build on our successes – use them as a foundation so that we don't need to build on thin air. Looking at our liabilities without acknowledging our assets is similar to worrying about death without appreciating life. n In analyzing the results of Natalie's "I AM" exercise, we first grouped together all of her strengths and then categorized the ones we could surmise: Natalie had an unusual amount of confidence related to her career, her social skills, her love for art, aesthetics, and sports. In addition, she validated the difficult psychological work that she was already carrying out – becoming more separate from her parents' influence over her, learning how to take a stand – by living her life for herself, rather than for them. The analysis of the "I AM" exercise continued with attention to what areas in her life Natalie needed to repair. She recognized that it was essential that she continue to gain independence from her parents and also that she needed to grow up a little more. n Another of Natalie's strengths was her willingness to be honest with herself. This was a distinct advantage as it allowed her to address, and subsequently control, her out-of-control spending sprees – compulsive shopping habits which left her in debt and in trouble, which Natalie attributed to feelings of emptiness. She compared herself to an alcoholic who used drugs to manage unacceptable feelings. n Perceiving her real self as primarily positive and viable, yet admitting the need for some changes, was the way that Natalie enabled herself to list some steps that she could begin to take. Among them, constructing a reasonable budget, outlining the necessary steps to adhere to it, reading self-help books on the subject, beginning psychotherapy, and joining Debtor's Anonymous, a twelve step program, that is free and assists individuals in learning to manage their finances. After a close evaluation of her own flaws and flairs, Natalie Gould found her attitudes toward men and relationships could begin to alter. She tallied her strengths and weaknesses in this area and concluded that she needed to develop a style of relating to men that was comfortable for her, while also healthy. It was also important that she accept the fact that up until now, she had done the best she could with men, considering her difficult family, the flawed relationships that were her role models, and her unwillingness to truly grow up. The impact of her dysfunctional family had influenced Natalie's sense of self-esteem, self-confidence, assertiveness, and her style of conducting intimate relationships. There is nothing to be gained by beating yourself up. Instead, it is your job to treat yourself with loving kindness and respect when you assess your operating style in the world of love. For instance, taking notice of the viable and healthy ways in which you are already conducting your life will be of tremendous help to you in determining which behaviors and beliefs come easier to you since you are already doing them. Sometimes we just need to notice what our existing strengths are, so that we can build up on them – you never have to start from scratch. B then again you may have to scratch the surface to uncover the good things that help you find your way. n When you perform THE "I AM" FOR SELF-DISCOVERY task be sure to explore what you bring to the party, as well as what you want from a relationship – rather than dwelling on the types of partnerships you have sought to date. When you are finished you will be ready to do your: ASSESSMENT OF THE "I AM" 1) Group together the list of your assets, noting the obvious as well as the inferred strengths that you already possess. Then on a separate sheet, 2) List the areas that still need work. 3) Rate each one on a scale of 1-10, so that you can decide 4)Which baby step to take next, and 5) Bring yourself up one notch at a time. Repeating this process periodically will also give you a way of 6) Measuring your progress as you go along. Women like Natalie have to wake up and stop saying yes to men who are unavailable, inappropriate and undesirable, and begin to say yes to what they really want, need and deserve. Yes, I mean deserve – when you start to appreciate your natural assets, your beautiful inner self, you'll have good reason to face up to your self-sabotaging techniques, and learn to get out of your own way. If you want love and marriage, then it's time to get honest with yourself. Recognize the track that you've been on, do what's needed to get off of it when it doesn't work, while holding onto and amplifying what does. With this sort of a balanced view of yourself, you will be able to bear up. You might be lonely for a while as you take your time, but once you are on the look-out for available men or women who are willing to commit, and stay focused on your goal –you will succeed! Soon wedding plans will be in the making and you will need my book. Please call me for further information and visit my website. Rita Bigel-Casher LCSW, Ph.D. Psychotherapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist Practitioner of Mind/Body Medicinenauthor, BRIDE'S GUIDE TO EMOTIONAL SURVIVALnhttp://www.ritacanhelp.comUpper East Side of Manhatta 212-532-0032