What is real love?

Real love is an energy that supports us in feeling good. When we feel genuine self-love and self-worth we experience ourselves as good enough and capable. There is a reverence and humility that accompanies this deep knowing that we are valuable just for being our unique self. Our worth is not dependent on our doings or our belongings. When genuine self-love and self-worth is present and alive within us, we attract love and respect from others. We literally draw to us the energy of love from others. We offer the energy of love and receive the energy of love. We feel very whole and complete in this state of being.

Why we need it.

When we are born we are completely dependent on others for our survival both physically and emotionally. Most of us grew up with our physical needs being met adequately and emotional needs being met sporadically or not at all.

We come in to this world with the need to be validated that we are loveable. We are looking for someone, primarily our parents, to tell us that we are important, we are loved and cherished and that we count free of any conditions. Even though our spirit knows we are loveable, our cognitive physical self needs to hear that. We are looking to be validated all through our infancy, childhood and teen years as we move through different developmental stages. If we were not given that message and our environment caused us to feel threatened or unsafe, we are still looking to have the message that we are loveable given to us as adults. We are stuck in patterns of co-dependency looking for love and validation outside of ourselves.

Why we make it so hard to experience it.

When we were little and love was not as available or predictable we learned to live without it. We subconsciously created ways of thinking and behaving that helped us feel safer in what seemed like a random world. You may have tried different things to get more love and support you in feeling more loveable. Some of those ways worked and you did get more attention. To this day you may subconsciously still be believing that you need these patterns in order to be loveable. When they didn't work we adapted to limiting beliefs, held at a deep subconscious level, that tell us we are really not loveable. We often sabotage the experience we want the most because it is so unfamiliar and at that deep level we really believe we don't deserve it, that we are not worth it, or that the love is not real.

The 10 lies we think are love:

1. Food is love

Our bodies require love through appropriate touch. When that need has not been met we often turn to food to fill us. The root cause of all addictions is the body's need for attention. Food feels good to the body. The body will begin to believe food is love and continually seek it out to get the feeling of sweetness and fullness that the energy of real love gives us when it is open and flowing in our being.

2. Sex is love

This can play out in a way that supports people in fearing, hating and despising sex, or becoming addicted to it. If you were sexually abused or prematurely affected by sexual experiences, it is common to have the deeper belief of "I can only be loved for sex." Sexual encounters can feel abusive and leave you with a feeling of being used.

Sexual addictions are supported by the bodies need for affection and it has come through sexual encounters. Again the body needs touch and support. If you were sexually abused as a child or that pattern is still alive from generations past, your body may hold the belief of "my body is bad because it feels good." It goes through a cycle of feeling starved for love, getting a quick fix with sex, and then feeling bad for satisfying it's need for love with sex.

3. Money is love

This pattern can get set up in families with money. When emotional love is not flowing freely, money is often used as a substitute. This can set up the siblings as rivals because they subconsciously know that there is not enough emotional love to go around and they must vie for mom and dad's money and possessions. Mom and dad's money and possessions represent the energy of real love that they have never had. As adults money represents security. Security supports us in feeling safe. This can also feel like love. The more money you have, the more safe you feel, the more loved you feel.

4. I have to be sick or ill to be loved

If you were given more attention when you were sick or ill as a child, you may still believe that you need this pattern to get noticed. If you were healthy and well you risk the experience of no one caring about you. Doctors can feel like surrogate parents. They give you attention, advice, and hopefully encouragement. All the things you needed as a child. Your sickness may be a way to keep you from living your life fully or taking responsibility for your life because you feel incapable and afraid. It is something to fall back on when you need to escape and want to hide.

5. I have to suffer to get love

People in abusive relationships are creating this pattern and are not familiar with healthy love and how it operates in a relationship. If you were beaten, slapped, hit, physically punished in your childhood or that pattern has been in your family, you may believe that love is being hurt. You will even sabotage healthy relationships to create this so you can feel your familiar experience again.

6. I have to fix people to be loved

Many people have a deeper belief that if they are not helping people get better they have no value. If they have no value, they cannot be lovable. The problem with this pattern is if you need to fix sick and dysfunctional people in order to feel loveable, you will continually attract these people into your life and they will not get well. You need them to be "unfixable" so you can stay "loveable."

7. I have to control you to make it safe to let you love me

Control is one of the biggest patterns in relationships. The deeper belief is "I will control you before you control me." It is common for two controllers to be together in a relationship both only seeing the other in the controlling pattern. I have worked with numerous couples where both are controllers. I will ask them separately " who do you believe controls the relationship?" They will always say, the other one does. Blame is a big part of the controller's experience. Victim energy is at the root of the pattern. At a deeper level if you still believe you are a victim, you may use control to create a feeling of safety to prevent yourself from ever being a victim again.

8. I have to please others to be loved

This pattern is often the other common opposite of a controller pattern. It is more common for women to play this role in a relationship with a controlling man. In this pattern the person always is thinking of other people before they think of themselves. Everything they think or say is processed with the underlying thought "what will other's think, what do other's want, what do I have to do or say to make sure they are happy." Chronic Fatigue and other energy depletion disorders are common with this pattern.

9. If I let you love me, you will leave me

Abandonment is at the core of this pattern. If you were abandoned as a child you may fear that the people you love get hurt, die or go away. In order to prevent this from happening you will not let a relationship go very far or you will sabotage it first. It is common to hold the deeper belief "I'll abandon you before you abandon me" because you are still believing that every relationship ends in abandonment so you might as well be in control of it. That way it doesn't hurt as much and it is more predictable.

10. Love hurts, relationships are painful

This belief will only support you in creating unhealthy, painful relationships. You will continue to attract people that you create a lot of pain with. You will support your relationships in being painful in the way you perceive them, think about them and the choices you make in them. You will go from one relationship to another feeling victimized and hurt wondering when real love will come your way. Or you will believe your stuck in a relationship that can never work and feel you will never be happy.

What we can do to heal these patterns

The first step is to understand that your beliefs create your experience. So whatever you believe either subconsciously and consciously is what you are getting in life. If you don't like what you are getting change your beliefs. Many of these beliefs are at a subconscious level and are generational beliefs. That means that we come from a long line of people that have carried the belief and have created the experience that matches it. Limiting beliefs are also rooted in our childhood experiences. You have a lot of opportunity to take control of the phenomenal power of your mind to release these old beliefs and create new ones. If you are really stuck I recommend a tool like Rapid Eye Technology that releases the energy that supports these old beliefs and patterns staying in place.

Look at your relationship experiences and notice what you keep experiencing. What keeps getting recreated in your life. This will tell you a lot about what relationship beliefs you hold. Change your relationships by changing your beliefs. I recommend my book Remembering Wholeness: A Personal Handbook for Thriving in the 21st Century to help you with this.

Healing the lies so we can love ourselves and be loved

Everyone carries limiting beliefs and patterns that they came to clear. In clearing these energies we heal the lies that we thought were truth about ourselves. We thought they were true because we kept having the experiences that made us think "this keeps happening to me so it must be true!" As you change your belief, you change your life, and understand now that you can create whatever you want.

I believe that god set in place within each of us the real energy of love. It is a powerful energy just waiting to be awakened. Another person cannot awaken it. Only you hold the key to the energy of real love inside of you. As you open and honor this energy by loving yourself, forgiving yourself and being kind and patient with yourself, you are then free to receive the real love others have to offer you. If you are a controller and/or a blamer, the first step for you is to take accountability for your life and own your life creation.

No one can create your life but you. God wants to co-create a life of joy, wellness and prosperity with you. He cannot do it for you, only with you. Chose now to create healthy loving, honest relationships that add value to your life. Be willing to end any relationships that cannot be healthy. Hold as your motto or mantra, "I am worthy of real love. I deserve to be loved and admired by a healthy loving person. I am attracting people that can and want to create healthy loving relationship with me. I am ending relationships that cannot be healthy. God loves me and I love myself."

Author's Bio: 

Carol Tuttle is the author of Remembering Wholeness, A Personal
Handbook for Thriving in the 21st Century. She has assisted thousands in healing their lives through her writings and work as a Master Rapid Eye Therapist.

FMI: www.caroltuttle.com, carol@caroltuttle.com