Is neediness ruining your love life? By John Gray, author of Men are from Mars Women are from Venus
In a recent survey conducted at, ... Is neediness ruining your love life?

By John Gray, author of Men are from Mars Women are from Venus

In a recent survey conducted at, “neediness”—clingy, controlling, possessive and/or demanding behavior—was one of the most commonly cited reasons for ending a relationship. Dating couples are calling it quits because they feel they either cannot or do not want to please their partner! It’s simply TOO MUCH WORK! If you’re a member of the dating world, and are confused about why it isn’t working for you- the answer lies in a better understanding of how the opposite sex thinks.

First, what qualifies as “needy?” In some cases a person may be considered needy if others are repeatedly unable to make them happy. In everyday conversations this person may be referred to as “high maintenance” or “difficult.” Other attributes of a “needy” person are that they can be demanding, sometimes to the point of being rude or inconsiderate of others. They may also have a difficult time thinking of others or placing them first. Truly needy people desire to be the center of attention. Unfortunately, these qualities are not very appealing or attractive to someone searching for a mate.

Unfortunately, there are often times in a relationship when you may not get your needs met. This can inspire “needy” behavior. Discussion board members at frequently mention feeling at the end of their rope as far as getting their needs met by their partners, despite the lengths they have gone to in order to be heard. They have tried everything from repeated phone calls and emails to conversations demanding to know where their partner was, and why s/he didn’t call. The problem is, neither men nor woman will be inspired to hear your concerns if they feel they are being yelled at or stalked!

While the behaviors just discussed sound a bit irrational, they often occur when a seemingly healthy man or woman is unable to get what they want from a relationship. We’re here to tell you that there is another way. Men and women are not doomed to late night “drive bys” or stalker-like phone calls to find happiness in their relationships. The first and most important thing to understand is that men and women have different needs, and therefore give to each other differently. Think of it this way, if your favorite meal is sushi, on some level don’t you think everyone must love sushi because you do? We expect on some level that if we want to be treated one way, our partners must want the same thing. But that assumption is a big mistake!

Both men and women have basic, primary needs. Women need to feel cared for, understood, and respected, and men need to feel trusted, accepted and appreciated. One example of what happens in the real dating world is that women want to be called on a regular basis. When a man does this it tells her that he cares about her. When he doesn’t, it makes her feel disrespected. On the other hand, when a man doesn’t call he wants to be accepted for who he is, and not made to be a “bad guy” for not calling. When a woman becomes angry or disappointed in him for not calling he begins to feel like she doesn’t trust that he’s good enough for her, and his motivation to call diminishes even further.

Neediness is created when perfectly sane and normal people do not get their needs met. Especially if they are genuinely interested in the person they’re dating. Feeling powerless to change your partner’s behavior, and get what you want out of a relationship, inspires the feelings and actions of a needy person. Someone who seemed like they were “relationship material” is suddenly unattractive and demanding.

If you have felt the ugly neediness monster creeping into your dating life, or current relationship, there are two possible obstacles in your way:

  1. You’re dating or in a relationship with someone who is not aware of what you need and how to give it to you. There are specific ways to ask the opposite sex for what you need in order to motivate them to want to give it to you. You may simply not be asking for what you want in a way that your partner can clearly understand. Remember, men and women are different!
  2. The other possibility is that your partner may not be motivated to meet your needs, and that may be a sign that the end is near. Relationships can be challenging, and we all have to find the energy to give to our partners, sometimes when we least feel like it. You would be surprised how easy it is to save a relationship as long as you act before it’s too late.

If you’re not sure which of these two issues is the real problem, a call to an Ask Mars Venus Coach can help. Feeling needy is often a sign that you are either not communicating your needs to your partner in a way that they can hear, or it's a sign of a deeper problem. If you are simply not communicating in your partner's language, this is a quick fix, and you can get back to having happy times quickly. But, if there is something bigger going on, before you can genuinely reconnect with your partner, you need to work on what is causing you to feel needy.

Perhaps you have been giving too much, and you feel like you're not being appreciated or cherished. Or you may have a partner who does not make the time to see how special you are. You may also be sensitive to "being needy" because of old hurts and wounds from past loves. Whatever the reason, if you are dealing with a deeper problem, you sense of being needy will not go away until you uncover the root of your issue and positively process your feelings. A Mars Venus Coach can help you not only process your feelings, but they can teach you how to do this easily, and successfully so you can get the most out of your relationships.

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