What is Real? What is Actual?

In our society we sometimes describe as "real" anything that can be touched, measured, clearly perceived by anyone who encounters it. Yet… what is "real" to you may not be what is real to me. One organization to which I used to belong offers a different definition. Anything is real, they say, if it has been "realized." In other words, it is real if it is real in our minds, regardless of whether it actually exists outside of our minds. For the "touched, measured, clearly perceived by all" type of phenomenon they use the word "actual." Thus, although most things are both real and actual, something may be real without being actual, if it is real enough to you. Alternatively, it may be actual without being real if you do not believe in its existence even though it exists.

Some years ago an incident occurred that illustrates one aspect of the difference between reality and actuality. For many people, a frequently chosen and usually effective background for relaxation is an audiotape of the sounds of nature. Having spent my early years near the ocean, one of my favorites is the sound of ocean waves. The roar of the breaking waves gradually gets louder as they approach, reaches a crescendo as they come closer, and then fades away as they retreat. To me, and to most people, it is very easy to visualize that one is relaxing peacefully in the sun, probably on the sand, as the nearby ocean waves advance and retreat in a soothing symphony of sound.

However, one individual did not hear it that way. He was noticeably not relaxed as the tape played, though he said nothing. Later he asked why I would expect that the sound of trucks would help people to relax.

Trucks? I was dumbfounded.

Eventually he explained that as a teenager he had been a frequent run-away, and between attempts at hitch-hiking had tried to sleep, fitfully and nervously, under interstate bridges. Above him, throughout the night, the roar of the big trucks would gradually get louder as they approached, reach a crescendo as they passed overhead, and then fade away as they retreated into the distance. This was the scene that was re-created for him when he heard the sound that to most people was the peaceful sound of ocean waves.

The sound was the sound. What was actual was that the sound waves came from a piece of magnetic tape. They reproduced sounds that had been created by ocean waves. What was real to me was that it was the sound of ocean waves, which led to relaxation. What was real to this man, even after he became aware of what the tape was meant to represent, was the sound of interstate trucks, which led to tension and a need for vigilance.

Our interpretation of most of the signals that we see and hear is subjective. How often have we discovered that another person's interpretation of exactly the same events was quite different from ours? (To get vivid examples of how much independent perceptions of an actual event can differ, ask any marriage counselor, or a police officer who has to get independent statements from ten eye-witnesses to a single accident.) What we perceive as having happened is real to us. We need to remind ourselves that it may not be exactly what actually happened, and it may not be what is real to another person.

Do you feel yourself becoming judgmental when someone else's reality is different from yours? Can you think of times when your certainty that your interpretation of an event was the only correct one has caused problems? Could more careful and open-minded communication have improved the situation?

What can you do differently when you keep these thoughts in mind?