What You See Is What You Get!

INSIDE/NAKED RELATIONSHIPS
BY JAN DENISE
RELEASE: FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2007

What You See Is What You Get!

One day everything seems perfect. Another day (maybe the very next day) nothing seems remotely perfect. What happened? The company downsized, he screwed up again, she dumped you, one of the kids got suspended? All good answers.
But maybe what really happened is you shifted your focus … and took your attitude with it. You can't focus on the "bad" stuff without feeling like everything stinks.
Likewise, you can't focus on the "good" without feeling grateful because it's all within your reach!
It's simple … (SET ITAL) except (END ITAL) that when we get peeved, we generally want to let somebody know. We want to blame somebody. We want to make sure they get it -- that they understand that our life could be better if they would get their act together.
In other words, when we are angry, we don't want to focus on what's good; we want to focus on what's bad. We want to justify our rage … and so we go on and on. And the longer we wail, the more we fuel our anger. No -- we don't vent it; we fuel it.
When you truly forgive yourself, you can forgive your partner. When you stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty, you can stop blaming others.
In the meantime, be aware of what you look at. Practice shifting your focus and your attitude. And see how quickly you can give up your anger. Trade it for a positive outcome by communicating your feelings in a constructive way.
Look for what's good and appreciate it. And you make it better.
In Mike Robbins' new book "FOCUS ON THE GOOD STUFF: The Power of Appreciation," he says that greater appreciation leads to improved connection and communication, greater fulfillment and even better sex!
Of course it does, right? It's a no-brainer. So, do it -- appreciate the good stuff!
Robbins even offers five tips to bring more appreciation into your relationship:
1) Look for good stuff -- catch your partner doing things you appreciate.
2) Celebrate what you want to see more of -- enthusiastically let them know what they are doing well and what you like.
3) Ask for what you want -- if you are not feeling appreciated, ask for it.
4) Create quality time together -- set up a "date night" and make sure to take some time to acknowledge one another.
5) Appreciate yourself -- pat yourself on the back so that you are not dependent on your partner's appreciation.
"The majority of conflicts that arise in romantic relationships come down to one fundamental issue -- one or both people don't feel appreciated," says Robbins.
I think he's right. The problem is that you can't really (SET ITAL) make (END ITAL) somebody else feel appreciated, especially when you don't. You (SET ITAL) can (END ITAL) make yourself feel appreciated, though. Be somebody you appreciate. … And right this minute, focus on something you already appreciate about yourself!
No excuses. If you want to feel appreciated, you can. And you can find something to appreciate in your partner, in anybody. You can reinforce the positive and encourage them to be a person they can appreciate more and more and more.
If you want to improve your relationship -- and your life -- you can. Adapting Robbins' tips for relationships and life in general is another no-brainer.
And if you're not in a relationship and you want to be, improving your life will certainly attract a partner, one who isn't stuck wanting to be mad about something. People who focus on what's wrong don't like to be around people who focus on what's right (it makes it more difficult to wallow).
You can't change somebody else's focus, but you can give them something beautiful to look at. And in doing so, you create a life that seems just perfect -- at least for you.
Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the book "Naked Relationships," speaker and coach based in Ormond by the Sea, Fla. Please e-mail her at jandenise@nakedrelationships.com, or visit her Web site at www.nakedrelationships.com. To find out more about Jan Denise, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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