One of life's challenges and greatest rewards develop from our relationships with others. Sometimes it feels like a balancing act between our responsibility to take care of ourselves, honor our own feelings and meet our own needs and our commitment to expand our compassion, our understanding, and our genuine support for others.

We all have times when our relationships and our life seem to be a struggle. Then there are the times when we feel like we are banging our head against the wall. Sometimes the issue is an obstinate person. Other times it may be an objectionable situation. But the harder we try to improve the circumstances, the more resistance we seem to encounter.

So what do we usually do? We try harder. Then we push even harder. But the only result we get is a flurry of negative thoughts and feelings. And still, we often feel compelled to give it another herculean effort. What happens? The negativity really explodes. The specifics of our thoughts and feelings can vary, depending on our personal tendencies and issues. But they generally fit into one of the following patterns.

• We become angry. (We believe that the individuals involved are just ignorant, they are out to get us, they don't care about us, they don't want to admit that we are right, or they just want their own way.)

• Some of us may feel defeated, powerless or victimized. (No one ever listens to me. I try to get things accomplished but everyone works against me. I don't have status and influence so no one think I know what I’m talking about)

Or we feel inadequate. (What's wrong with me? No one like my suggestions.. I'm not important enough for anyone to take seriously. I can never get it right.)

Have you had any of those feelings? Like the time you were running late for work and that knucklehead pulled out in front of you and then went 20 miles per hour? So you got right up behind him and blew to get him to realize he was being inconsiderate.

How well did that work?

Whether we feel angry, powerless or inadequate, we all end up feeling frustrated and beat up by the time we've gone a few rounds with the opposition.

We form assumptions and opinions about the situation, based on our emotional reactions. Our assumptions may or may not be valid. Their main purpose is to relieve any misgivings we may have about our own behavior in the situation. For instance, when we are finally able to pass that slowpoke on the road, we make a rude gesture.

But the real source of our problem is that we are trying to control or change people or circumstances. And when we don’t get our way, we condemn or judge ourselves or others.

Whenever I feel like I'm constantly walking into walls, I recognize that getting black and blue isn't effective. I know that I have developed tunnel vision. I am probably trying to change or control a situation. And guess what? We cannot expect to change or control anything but ourselves, and that is often difficult in itself.

I can hear your objections coming in loud and clear.. But I am not suggesting resignation or blind acquiescence. But the only real option that we have, short of picking up an automatic weapon or resorting to extortion, is to adjust our own perspective, choices, attitude, beliefs and behavior.

Still not convinced? Perhaps these two examples from my own life will clarify this point.

My children have the tendency to drop their coats, shoes, book bags, etc., leaving a trail of debris on the floor. They frequently wait until 15 minutes before school to do their homework, complaining that I should have reminded them, (I guess 6 reminders the night before didn't count), and they leave cereal boxes wide open, sitting in various locations around the house. .

Of course this is unacceptable. But I don't like to endure their tears and pain which giving them consequences always produce. Instead I planned to explain to them why they must do things differently. And I convinced myself that once they understood, they would then gladly comply. When that didn't work, I decided perhaps I just hadn't explained it well enough, so I tried again, and again.

Here's the next example.

Growing up I longed for my father's approval. I tried to be stoic because emotions upset him. I tried to be perfect. I made sure not to have fun until I had completed all my responsibilities because according to him "Life isn't suppose to be fun." I accomplished one goal after another. I twisted myself into knots trying to figure out how to act to get my father's approval and respect. I only succeeded in becoming more and more depressed and desperate.

The light finally dawned! I realized that there was nothing that I could do to change my father's perception. I could destroy myself trying to get his respect, or I could accept that he was unable to give me the approval I desired. That meant that I would have to change. I could choose to learn to give myself the validation that I sought from him. I could focus on the people who did think highly of me. I would have to re-discover who I truly was behind all the images that I presented for the benefit of others. And I would have to have the courage to experience and express my own truth, desires, and feelings. I had to become Authentic regardless of other people's expectations and judgments.

In the situation with my children, I would either have to resign myself to clutter, stale cereal and poor grades, or I would have to suck it up, experience and process my feelings, and give them the appropriate consequences. My own discomfort with my children tears and pain when they received consequences had taken priority over my responsibility. I wasn't fulfilling my job description as a parent, (teaching my children to be responsible and respect themselves and others).

I also had begun to feel ignored and discounted. I had been disregarding my own feelings and my desire to have an organized and tidy home. Our sense of worth and importance are created by the way we treat ourselves and the value we place on our own feelings, needs and desires. I may feel pain or discomfort due to other peoples’ actions, but they cannot affect my self-worth, sense of importance or inner peace.

Only I have the power to do that.

If you are feeling taken for granted, observe how you are treating yourself. If you discover that you are thinking, “It’s not that big of a deal; Or I can deal with this; Or I don’t want to upset them with my feelings;” that is a red flag. Whatever reason you tell yourself, your actions are saying that everyone else’s emotions and needs are more important.

And when it come to self-worth, actions speak much louder than words.

Frequently our friends, associates and peers will behave in ways that upset us. We always have the right to be treated with respect. But we do not have the right to expect others to mold themselves according to our preferences. And we cannot assume that others, even our spouse, will always be aware of the specific words and actions that will distress us. We all perceive things differently. But if someone has said or done something that is unacceptable, it is our responsibility to seek a solution.

Upon reflection, we may conclude that we were over reacting due to having to fix our flat tire in the rain on the way to work. Or because it was the same phrase and tone of voice that our ex romantic partner used before they walked out the door with our drop dead gorgeous and wealthy replacement. In that case, we can attempt to feel grateful that they have made us aware of an issue requiring our attention. We then have the opportunity to choose to process and release the blocked, negative energy within us.

If we decide that the other person's actions were unacceptable, often just bringing it to their attention will be enough. We simply express our feelings about the situation to them. Although this can be uncomfortable for some people, it is our responsibility to clarify how we want to be treated. Then we can begin to release the negative emotions rather than allowing them to ferment into resentments and blame.

But take note! It’s our feelings, not our opinions, beliefs, or judgments that we share. The objective is not to judge another or to prove that we are right.

If the situation persists, there is an effective method for conversing with the individual and managing the situation.

In the next message I will explain this method. It can make a huge difference in the response and the results that you achieve in your communications.

Keep in mind that getting our desired outcome in any situation isn't the measure of success. People with that mindset are easily tempted to rationalize that the ends justify the means. To be a person of character and integrity, we must make choices that are congruent with our values and principles. Regardless of the outcome, demonstrating character and integrity render you successful.

Until next time, if you keep running into the wall, stop, and look for the door.

To Your Authentic Life,

Lauren Kennedy

Author's Bio: 

Lauren Kennedy has devoted years to exploring, researching and creating methods designed to help others achieve their dreams. Her articles show a depth of innovation and insight that is rarely seen. Lauren also offers Life and Spiritual Coaching. Her capacity to understand, motivate, and find personalized solutions transforms the lives of people that she coaches. Lauren's vast and varied experiences have resulted in an uncommon perspective and unlimited passion to help other people to reach for the stars.

Lauren Kennedy has a website dedicated to Personal Development.
The website features products, e-courses, CDs, and coaching services devoted to all areas of Personal Growth. Discover powerful information, effective, result oriented methods, and compassionate, insightful support. Visit her site and take the first step in transforming your life.

Lauren welcomes your questions and comments. You can visit her website, participate in her blog or e-mail her.