A Primer on Plastic Surgery

It's one of the most famous movie noses. At least, it's the most noteworthy nose Steve Martin ever worse onscreen. His character C.D. Bates from the 1987 film Roxanne is a modern-day Cyrano de Bergerac, pining for Daryl Hannah, albeit secretly because of his shame over his schnozz. For a time, Bates feeds lines to a handsome, dimwitted fireman, content to romance Hannah vicariously. Before the end, though, Bates' true feelings emerge, and (spoiler alert) Hannah has a surprise: She likes his nose. She feels it gives him character. They live happily ever.

This raises an interesting point: What if Bates had gotten plastic surgery in his efforts to woo Hannah? His efforts might have failed. Or maybe the nose job would've been inconsequential either way, considering the beautiful words he fed the fireman that also helped win Hannah's heart. After all, attraction is often more than just skin deep.

For anyone without Bates' luck, though, here's a primer on some of the basic plastic surgeries out there:

Nose job: For every C.D. Bates who doesn't go through with getting a nose job, there's a Jennifer Aniston or Michael Jackson who does. The results have had varying levels of success. For Aniston, decreasing the size of her nose propelled her from a struggling actress (who'd been most successful to date in a short-lived television series based on Ferris Bueller's Day Off) to one of the cast members of Friends and a movie star. But for Jackson, his first plastic surgery may have signaled the beginning of his descent into madness.

Breast surgery: In years past, this would strictly be labelled "breast enhancement" or "boob job," but something intriguing has been going on in the medical world in recent years. Some people now have surgery to get their breasts reduced. It can be a guard against cancer or back problems. Some people just prefer smaller breasts as well, preferring them so much they pay to have them. Imagine Cyrano getting surgery for that.

Separating conjoined twins: No longer do people need to be Siamese if they don't please.

Face lift: Here's a way to look 10 years younger or get rid of a drooping, lazy eye. One of the oldest plastic surgeries around, face lifts have been eliminating wrinkles and tightening skin for decades. Only drawbacks? Face lifts can be expensive, and, as it goes with hair dying, once a person has had one face lift, they basically need to keep on lifting. Otherwise, in time the effect wears off. People can even wind up looking worse eventually.

Liposuction: There's a classic episode of The Simpsons where Homer deliberately balloons to 300 pounds so that he can work from home for his job as a nuclear safety technician. Of course, his plans go awry, and Homer winds up narrowly averting disaster at the nuclear plant. In gratitude, Mr. Burns agrees to help Homer get skinny again. The episode ends with him trying in vain to get Homer to do a situp before angrily proclaiming, "Oh, blast it, I'll just pay for the dreaded liposuction!" That's liposuction: Helping the Homer Simpsons of the world lose weight for years.