Abusive Relationship - Why Does She Let Him Talk To Her Like That?

What’s wrong with her for “letting” him talk to her like that? This is the first thought of an outsider looking in on an abusive encounter of an abusive relationship. Dr. Phil was interviewing a couple obviously in an abusive relationship. He asked the woman how she felt about her husband saying that he was only staying in the marriage so he wouldn’t have to give her child support. When asked how she felt about that, she replied, “I didn’t know that.” So again Dr. Phil asked, by saying now you do know, how do you feel about that? As he is asking the camera captures a blank look on the woman’s face and audience shots of folks in shock. If words could speak their expression, I’d guess it to be: how can she let him talk to her like this and have no response. I would venture to say that this woman has become anesthetized to demeaning commentary—void of honoring, dignity and respect—from her partner. Just like the way we acclimate to the onset of winter. You don’t go from 100 degrees to single digits. No. Gradually you are exposed to one assault and by the time you have reconciled it in the context of your relationship, another one is delivered. Eventually over the years it becomes the wallpaper of your relationship wherein you expect your partner to think, feel and act in a rude, condescending, overly critical, unappreciative way. It is introduced gradually over time. I doubt this woman met her husband and he proposed to her by saying I want to marry you and stay with you so I won’t have to pay child support. Get the picture? The real question here is what is wrong with him that he is behaving as such. Moreover, the challenge for intervention is how can both of these people individually awaken to their toxic relationship and the way in which each supports the status quo both consciously and unconsciously. If you recognize yourself in this little vignette, look to the subtle communication patterns of abusive relationships. It will help you shine the light on the mechanics that sustain its ugliness. And from here, you can know how to change the status-quo and break the cycle of verbal emotional abuse.