It’s been a rough and tormenting two years since the first time I realized that I’m different from others. I felt confused about what was really going on with me and the reality seemed to be different from day to day. I was morally compelled to reject all my friends and shun my family, as none of them had the slightest idea of what I was dealing with. I had great ambitions but the path to them was obstructed by a huge stumbling block. I was a victim of my own mind; I was a victim of anxiety. Today, I want to share with you a small, but the most painful part of myself and tell you how I managed to radically change my life regardless. Hope it will be useful for you.
The Moment It All Began
I recall the childhood with a smile on my face: the halcyon days full of happiness and joy. Life was then like ice cream: sweet and cheap. And then I grew up. All of a sudden, I was filled with so many ambitions and wishes that it seemed impossible to fulfill them. But I was persistent and started mercilessly studying with no breaks and weekends, which was subsequently the cause of numerous sleepless nights (as I thought it at first). And that’s the moment I started experiencing anxiety.
At the very beginning of my mental disorder, I got off slightly -- the only problem I had was every-other-day groundless insomnia (sometimes from 11 pm to 7 am). One day of tireless work, the other day of rest -- seemed fair to me, although the ties with my friends had already been severed (and, honestly, the urge to study every day was strong enough to make me depressed when I had a “day off”). Seeking ways to keep myself busy during “abortive” days, I resorted to playing at online casinos and discovered
how to get good at poker. In poker, I found a way to distract myself from negative and oppressing thoughts (like I’m doing nothing to make my future better or I’m lost). It was nice.
New Life & New Troubles
Then there was a change of scenario. Thanks to countless months spent at the desk reading books and learning facts, I got a chance to move from a small town in a province to the capital of my country. I was so overwhelmed by the excitement that my heart was pumping out of my chest, but not for long. The pressure I was subject to and the demands my boss laid on me were extreme to such an extent that I started feeling some sort of pressure inside my chest, and sleepless became my daily enemy.
The only way out I saw then was medicine. I made an appointment with a neurologist who prescribed me nootropic drugs whose purpose was to boost my mental activity and make me happier. And it worked. I was finally able to thoroughly do my job; I got back to studying (could help the desire to cultivate my skills); I was alive. However, it lasted no more than a week.
The Same Old Fear
Given my perfectionism, desire to constantly develop both mentally and physically, and sensitiveness to any remark, I was shortly back to even worse condition tha
I’d been before. The anxiety was so severe that during a 5-day working week I would have only 20 hours of sleep, which was restless of course.
The further I went with the mental illness, the more problems I encountered. In the course of a month of such “life”, my central nervous system was completely exhausted. If you don’t know, having such an illness entails total apathy to everything around, zero brain activity, and dizziness. Of course, I couldn’t afford to be in such a state, as my job requires intense mental activity. Thoughts of how I would pay my house rent and the possibility of losing my working place were slowly creeping up on me. And the icing on the cake was a broken heart.
After this relapse, my record list of seen doctors was soon long enough to cover several A4 pages, and antidepressants and tranquilizers became an integral part of my day. To my disappointment, neither drugs nor medical experts could help me completely get rid of the anxiety.
It’s Deeper Than It Seems
After a year and half of my suffering, I was too worn out to treat my life as I used to. I softened the demands from myself, got rid of overthinking, and found a new job (I needed a change of air). The effect was not long in coming and soo
I felt significant relief. My ambitions somehow became so close to me that it would be remiss not to achieve them. Nevertheless, the anxiety kept paying me a visit from time to time.
Sentence Worth Years
The moment when my life radically changed came down to the time when I was recommended a psychologist. The extent of my surprise of how a simple sentence could alter the perception of the world is beyond words. I realized how miserable and purposeless my worries and problems were. Now -- unlike before -- I see things differently.
I can’t say that the anxiety left me completely -- and in fact, I still feel the discomfort inside my chest sometimes -- but this is for sure nothing compared to the previous feelings. The therapy with my doctor is still ongoing, and I’m certain that I’ll be free soon. You know, it’s all in your head.