And the Tears Flow

I cry and I cry and I wonder how I can be in this place – this place of desperation, of being lost, of wondering where life went wrong. How have I ended up here?
I have the tools, I have the knowledge, I have the self awareness and yet in these last few days they all seem to be of little help. I am swimming in a great murky abyss. Not knowing my way out. I wonder what more I need to let go of, what beliefs remain hidden to me that keep me in this pain, this self abuse.
I know better – don’t I? I have spent years removing the blinders and looking within – letting go of garbage beliefs, self sabotaging behaviors. I have gathered my tools of the trade. I have taught tools to use in these moments and yet today they fail me.
What more do you ask of me I have nothing left to give. I have offered all I have and yet…There is more?
Allow me to surrender all that I think I know that I may hear your answers. For I have learnt from years of battle that when I have not the answer it lays in my surrender. No matter how hard I cry, how overwhelmed I become or how big my beating stick, a part of me knows I have yet to reach the core of this pain, the programming that keeps it in place.
That small voice in my head keeps saying “you have the tools” but in this moment it takes more effort tha
I have to use them.
Am I to honor the pain, to just be with it? Is it in my resistance, my feeling like I should have the answers, the tools to overcome this, that it holds me prisoner? Do I have more to learn?
For so long in life I have been taught to pretend or ignore the truth of my emotions and now I seem to be asked to accept them as part of who I am – whole and complete with all emotion. When I am happy I am ok to just BE happy so also I must be ok to BE overwhelm, lost, desperate.
I Am to be present with it. To feel it, acknowledge it and accept it. It is not bad…It just is. It is my resistance, my not wanting to feel those emotions, that is holding them in place, making much more of them than they are.
I somewhere hold a belief I am less than, I have failed for having these emotions. I wonder where did that belief come from? If the emotional scale of my existence goes from the darkest despair, fear & depression to Love, Peace and Joy why have I come to believe I am only ok to feel and experience the upper half of the scale? Why do I believe you will not like me, accept me if you see I struggle, if you see that I do experience the bottom half? Why do I believe one emotion is better than another? Yes some make me feel better but is that because of my programming? Is it possible that my original programming was wrong?

A calm peaceful presence has now settled over me and I know I am ok. I am just experiencing what it is to be Human. All of it.