Anger & Relationships

When there is a build up of anger in a relationship, healthy communication is clearly absent. Both ears and mouths are not working properly. Messages being given are likely to be interpreted through a filter that hears only what anger expects to hear. The message, as it might be offered, is misinterpreted and there is little chance for understanding to seep through. Too, the messages offered may be constructed in the language of anger. Tone and intonation, as well as actual words, can be triggers to the receiving ears. If this pattern of communication is not corrected, anger spirals and hope for clarity and resolution dissolves. Over time, such a pattern dissolves the foundations of the relationship and it eventually collapses.

Why is it that no one is more capable of triggering anger than a partner? In part, it is because partners have shared and experienced so many situations together, have repeated their feelings so often, and have exposed their weaknesses in any number of ways, the "buttons" one is able to push in order to trigger the other into argument are constantly in full view and unprotected.

Because partners are so important to each other, so involved and meaningful in each others lives, they tend to take what is said to each other, and in front of others, with greater importance. They feel each others thoughts and expressions more deeply than if they were expressions from friends, co-workers, or acquaintances. Partners interpret each others words with far greater intensity. Also, their actions and presentations before others have far greater implication in each others lives and they may be more critical and demanding that their partners actions and presentations fit their individual expectations of and for their partner. Partners become hypersensitive, anxious, and fearful that their mate will fail to be in concert with them, inattentive to them, non-supportive of them, demeaning, inappropriate, and even embarrassing. Once these feelings occur, regardless whether they are intentional or not, there is no longer an openness to hearing correction or apology. The offended cling to resentment and their sense of abandonment. They will either run away from their partner emotionally or run head first into him or her.

Many individuals have inherited dysfunctional behaviours and beliefs that contribute to their lack of attentiveness, awareness, self-awareness, and in-concert support. These inheritances may also prevent them from resolving discordance because they have no foundations for appropriate forms of communication regarding fear, frustration and anger. They are often guided by impulse rather than awareness and act out rather than act upon. They may have witnessed patterns of holding in anger, fear, and frustration and mimic that behaviour or they may have witnessed explosive responses and mimic those behaviours. They may act from a position of denial...the issue does not really exist...the problem does not really exist. They may act from the position that they need to give in to end conflict...or they may hide from an issue until it appears to have been forgotten. Some may keep record of every issue, offense, and argument and then drop a massive bombardment of issues at some point. They might deflect their anger and blame others or other things. Some might even use religion, spirituality, philosophy or some other do good observations to cover up or sugar coat the issue, effectively minimizing it.

If you recognize any of these in your self, it is strongly advised that you and your partner seek professional help to change these habits or behaviours from their dysfunctional and destructive course into strong, healthy, and effective means and methods of communication so that your relationship has a chance at survival, growth...and greater intimacy.

As in all cases of discord, the underlying presentation is Thought Addiction. Quan Yin strongly suggests partners seek the help of someone who is a Thought Addictions Specialist. When the processes of Thought Addiction are understood, the methods employed to change the addiction are useful tools for addressing Thought Addiction anywhere it appears in a relationship, at work, with friends, and with family.