Are Your Expectations Working For Or Against You?

In all of our relationships we have expectations of how things should be, this applies in our intimate relationships as well. Many of these expectations have not been clearly defined in our own mind and frequently we have not openly shared our expectations with our partner. As our partner bumps up against these unspoken rules and expectations frustration and conflict may result. At this point our first response is often to try to change our partner to match our expectations.

Few people stop to consider the validity of their expectations or think about how well their expectations have been communicated to their partner. Just imagine landing a great new job and signing on without knowing what was expected of you. Think about the frustration and confusion that might ensue. Talking about and sharing our expectation with each other can lead to greater satisfaction for both. Finding out that our expectations do not match, gives us the opportunity to find something that works.

The reality is that we often have unrealistic expectations of our self, our partner and the relationship. We then find it necessary to judge our self, partner or relationship harshly. The place to begin is to take a good look at our expectations. When we pull them out into the light of day, sometimes it is easier to see that they are not realistic.

Consider the example of the client who was confused and frustrated because she was not happy in her marriage. As we worked through her thoughts and feelings, one of the questions that came up was, “Before you met your husband, were you happy?” Her response was, “No, not really. My life sucked.” We then examined whether she had hoped that her husband and marriage would make her happy. She discovered that she had hoped that having someone to look after and care for her would fix things. Bringing this expectation into her conscious mind allowed her to see how expecting her marriage to make her happy was not entirely realistic.

If we find that we have unrealistic expectations then we can choose to make those expectations more realistic. We can consider whether our present expectations and behavior is helping or hindering us in getting our needs met. We may have a need to feel close and connected to our partner, but because they fail to live up to our expectations we push them away, leaving us feeling less rather than more connected.

Two important questions to consider:
First: What are my expectations and are they realistic?
Second: Is what I am doing now helping or hindering my ability to meet my needs?